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Jan 15, 2009, 10:16 AM
Registered User
charlie eaton's Avatar
OK Squids and Knee-deeps,
As a Huey driver it was my great pleasure to occasionaly get new machanics in the company. With great glee WE (the all knowing and benevelant, intrepid aviators) would send them to check the manifold pressure in the skids,go find a bucket of rotor wash,and find the instruction manual for timing the tail rotor drive chain. (that's the pitch change drive chain)
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Jan 15, 2009, 12:20 PM
Sea Dragon-Lover
Umi_Ryuzuki's Avatar
One of My favorit stories....
Jan 15, 2009, 12:25 PM
Capt.Crash's Avatar
Originally Posted by Umi_Ryuzuki

Ok...the subpirates login screen doesn't count!
Jan 15, 2009, 12:39 PM
CG Bob's Avatar
foo - I got a variation on your "Rules for working".

I transferred from the CONFIDENCE in Alaska to the USCG Base in Milwaukee, where I ran what was commonly called the Carpenter Shop. I had two other DC's and a non rate (FA) working for me. One of the other DC's and the FA were building some wood shelves in the machine shop. The FA comes back to our shop to trim one of the boards on the radial arm saw. The kid asks me if he should cut 1/2" off the board, or the 4/8" like Joe the PO told him. I say make it 16/32" and follow him back to the machine shop. Joe asks if the kid cut off 4/8", and the kid replies, "No, I took off 16/32" like Bob told me to." Joe starts yelling at the kid, and then sees me standing in the door way. I pull Joe back to our shop and give him a remedial lesson on ruler reading, breaking the yardstick in the process.
Jan 15, 2009, 02:06 PM
Registered User
charlie eaton's Avatar
When I was in the USCG and station engineer of Boon Island Lightstation.(a Lighthouse for those of you who were gravel crunchers) we had a construction crew(civilian) out there renovating the facilities. One evening George the forman was sitting in the mess deck. I walked out and said '' What you got theyah Geoge''(no arr in it) ''Salt cod he said,ya want some''? I says ''Yup''. I sat down and he give me his pocket knife which was old and Christ only knows what it had cut ovah the yeahs. We couldn't have beeah on the station but they could so he offered me a Bud which I took. Then I cut a strip of the fish,give the knife back, and proceded to chew on it and drink the beeah (you had ta have the beeah because the fish were some salty y'know. Bout that time Jim the 1st clas Bosunmistake,my boss, came out an asked us what it was we was doin. We said ''Eatin salt cod want some''? He took a good look at that,turned about the same color green as the online light in a message and we didn't see him the rest of the evenin. Sure were a peaceful evenin.
Jan 15, 2009, 02:27 PM
Retired for now
So is a BM1 anything like a good s--t?
Salt Cod is great stuff. Havn't had any in fifty yeas. Wonda if ya can still buy some? pete
Jan 15, 2009, 04:05 PM
Capt.Crash's Avatar
Originally Posted by norgale
So is a BM1 anything like a good s--t?
Salt Cod is great stuff. Havn't had any in fifty yeas. Wonda if ya can still buy some? pete

As used above...BM1 is a 1st clas
Jan 15, 2009, 04:15 PM
Registered User
So...CG Bob was a "blackshoe".
Spent some time in Kodiak myself.
Jan 15, 2009, 05:52 PM
Sea Dragon-Lover
Umi_Ryuzuki's Avatar
Originally Posted by Hoghappy
Ok...the subpirates login screen doesn't count!
Sorry, I didn't know they were still restricting access. I thought everyone could read for free... Maybe they just require sign up...

So don't tell them I posted this...
They might get mad that people will find this funny, and join their site to see
more of these stories by Don Meadows , aka:Torpedochief @

Originally Posted by Torpedochief
I'm from West Viginia. (Okay go ahead, let me hear the jokes. If you have none then here. West Virginia is the home of the toothbrush. Anywhere elese and it would have been called teethbrush...hahahah. ) Now with that out of the way I continue.

I for some reason was always facinated by submarines and knew it was my calling. One writer tells of people who are born as "water people" people that have to be in or near the sea. I must have fallen into that catagory.

Finally when old enough I joined the Navy specifially for the Submarine Service. After graduating (As honor man) from Sub School I reported to USS RAY SSN 653. Four days later I was at sea, throwing up, mess cooking and wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into.

It was day 21 of our mission when I realized that I had never seen the ocean. I was in it but had never seen it. It bothered me and I was determined to get a peek one way or another.

My duties in the galley were something nightmares are made from. 18 hour days feeding men I thought for sure hated me. As a non-qual, air taking, air breathing, heat load, I had yet to earn the respect that submariners demand. I was forbidden to go to control when the boat was at PD, and the thought of a look out the scope was indeed a dream, but see the ocean I would.

30 days into the mission it was announced that the boat would make a port call in Toulon France. Finally the day came and we surfaced.

Some communication problem or mis-understanding occured and we were in early. Only the Tug boats came out to meet us. The harbor pilot was an hour away.

To this day I do not know what happened on the bridge of USS RAY. I do know that word was passed down that anyone who spoke even a little French was needed on the bridge.

My chance! My chance to see the ocean!! "Here, Chief!" I lied. "Three years of French in High School."

He shrugged. "Well come on, get your ass to the bridge."

I followed hoping my smile was not to bright. I was going to see the ocean!

Five minutes later I was atop the sail. The flag fluttered and whipped proudly, and the coean! My God this was really the ocean! I could not have been happier. All my dreams were now true, I was on top of the world----until. I then heard the Captain's voice.

Now this Captain was a cross between Darth Vader, and Cujo. He had a habit of slobbering when he yelled, and he yelled alot.

"Meadows! Stop sight seeing! Here take the bull horn!"

You've all heard of and some my have had the phenomenon called "pucker factor. Mine that moment was off the scale.

"We're drifting down to that wharf, and the water is too shallow to use the SPM (Secondary Propullsion Motor)." The CO snapped at me. "Tell the tugboats to put the lines over the cleats."

Now the only French I had ever known in West Virginia was French Fries, and Christina Hill introduced me to a French Kiss, but that was it.

I had seen the ocean and if God was merciful he would kill me now. I would not have minded.

"Now Meadows!" the Skipper screamed.

I brought the bull horn to my lips, and using the best French accent I could I let go with "Put Ze Linez Over Zee Cleats!"

Those on the tugs looked up at me dumbfounded, but the CO...the CO. I for the first time in my young life saw what hate looked like.

His screaming and yelling, he even kicked the bridge hatch as he stuffed me down the bridge access. His booming tirade echoed from all points of the harbor.

I desended back to the control room, and found the helmsman in tears from laughter. The Chief of the Watch could not even talk, and contact coordinator looked at me from around the periscope as though he had just seen Elvis.

The next morning the Commanding Officer of the USS RAY SSN 653 held a special Captain Mast just for me. I was the first enlisted man to be charged with Hazarding A Vessel.

Those in attendance at the mast were somber and serious. I was scared shittless.

Then incame the Captain, my judge, jury, and executioner. Well, I thought. At least I saw the ocean. The CO took his place in the center of the Green Table, and began reading the charges. Weh he came to the "Put Ze Lines Over Zee Cleats, he could not hold back and he too rared back in a laugh that alsmot shook the wardroom. Tears rolled down his face, as he looked at me. "God you got a set on you!" He said. "Get the hell outta my wardroom!"

I was saved!!!! In six words I got to see the ocean, earn the respect of my shipmates, and stay alive. Oh and that CO and me? Well we have stayed in touch, and now I consider him to be one of the best friends I have. Although when you mention this story he still slaps my now bald head.
Jan 15, 2009, 07:07 PM
Shanghai'd Expat
herrmill's Avatar

Thanks for posting Don's story which I hadn't seen before over at SP. It made me laugh so hard I've got tears rolling down my face!

Don's a submariner turned novelist with a book that has been on Amazon's top seller list: Of Ice And Steel.

Now that he's recently gotten addicted to RC tanks, I'll have to ask him if he plans to build a Char B one of these days.

Jan 15, 2009, 11:08 PM
Registered User

of mice men and helicopters

here are a few helicopter stories;
First, what is the definition of a helicopter? 10,000 random malfunctions all moving the same direction.
Second, what is the name of the main nut that holds the main rotor on a helicopter? The Jesus Nut, if it ever comes off all you've got time to say is "Oh Sweet Jesus!" then you are talking to him!
The moving air stream from the rotors over cargo slung below a helo can build up huge static charges (up to 10,000 volts) to mitigate this all cargo (and people being lowered to the deck) slung must be grounded. This is accomplished with a metal hook attached to a wire with a wooden handle (forcing the electricity to ground. In VERTREP (Vertical Replenishment) school they teach you to take the hook in your dominant hand and put your 'off' hand in the back of your belt. I was the ground man on a prolonged VERTREP and the CPO perceived (incorrectly) that I was getting tired, and walked over and told me to go take his place as the safety observer. He then took the hook in his left hand (he was extremely right handed), and moved to the newly arriving helo. The last load of the VERTREP was a large aluminum box containing an antenna for our air search radar (lots of surface area to build up a nice charge!). The Chief reached to steady for the box with his right hand and I moved to stop him, as I started across the deck the LPO (Leading Petty Officer) shook his head softly, and I skidded to a halt. Half a second later the Chief took a big jolt through his hand and legs and flew ten feet across the deck landing in the safety netting. We helped him out of the net and he assured us that he was fine. While he was recovering we turned too hogged the crate into the hangar and the ET's unloaded the antenna. I then turned to the BM1 (LPO) and asked him why he had stopped me, he replied "the chief spent 4 years at UNREP (underway replenishment) school but never learned any of the rules he was supposed to be teaching. He had been aboard for more than a year before you came aboard and I personally have knocked him on his butt half a dozen times over that grounding hook to keep him from grabbing something, or someone. I had talked to doc and he said it would scramble his eggs a little but he would probably be fine since there is almost no current in the charge." Two hours later they had the antenna fitted and the old in the crate, we called the H-46 (Sea-Knight) back and decided to use the box to train for further VERTREPS. After about half a dozen landings (with me as the ground man), the chief grabbed my sleeve and told me he was taking over. He put the hook in his left hand again! and walked towards the approaching box. I moved toward him again and the first class shook his head sharply, I then turned to the Corpsman and told him what was about to happen and he grabbed his kit and waved to the on sight stretcher bearers. Half a second later the Chief did his superman imitation again and landed in the net and Big Doc strolled casually over and began to examine him, it took a couple of minutes before he could be helped to sit up but he finally learned about electricity. He never ever relieved me on the hook for the rest of the cruise except for the other ground man....
Last edited by fooman2008; Jan 15, 2009 at 11:10 PM. Reason: oops wrong hand
Jan 16, 2009, 04:15 AM
Registered User
Other helicopter observations:
Helicopters cannot fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
Helicopters don't fly; they just vibrate through the air.
Helicopters don't fly; they just beat the air into submission.
And to complete the heli description in the previous post, " the same direction, completely surrounding a massive oil leak."
Jan 16, 2009, 04:23 AM
NeverAgainVolunteerYourse lf
nick_75au's Avatar
Thanks Umi,
I haven't seen my wife laugh so hard for a long time I had a fairly good chuckle myself.
"Put Ze Linez Over Zee Cleats!"
Jan 16, 2009, 06:29 AM
Airplane crasher
CapMike's Avatar

Sea story

This one isn't in the catagory of some of yours, but caused great laughter for several days between myself and my deck-hand.
Over the past summer I was aboard a 53' pilot patrol boat guarding a submerged power cable in Long Island Sound. Our boat was on patrol for 24 hours with crew change every 12. I had come in for my night shift and relieved the other captain.
My deck hand and I decided to have mexican food for dinner with some refried beans added to the mix. We went outbound for our patrol and ate our dinner on the mooring. All was good throughout the night with only minor gassing.
It seemed that that would change when I went in for relief from my shift. The day shift Captain came aboard and we discussed the evenings events as well as conversed about the boat. Thats when the longest and loudest burst came forth and could not be stopped. The other Captain stood there for a second with a shocked look on his face as I continued my report.
Now here is where I fell on the floor in a fit of laughter. My deckhand walked up from the forward sleeping berth just as the other Captain did something that we will always remember. He stood there with the doors closed on the bridge. Sniffed the air a few times and then exclaimed "smells like Pizza".
To this day we joke about that comment and my deck hand and I will start laughing.
Jan 16, 2009, 07:03 AM
USA'd ex Brit
toesup's Avatar
Not in the same catagory as some of you guy's stories...

Mrs Toes and I had an incredible 'tour' round a particular twin voith powered tractor tug in San Pedro Harbor (LA), me taking pics for an up-coming scale build.

The Captain was incredibly helpfull, telling us all about his 'mount' and its functions.. and was even good enough to take us on a short ride up the harbor as far as the sea wall to show us exactly what $8 million worth of 'state of the art' tugboat could do...

As we came back in, and were about to come along side the dock we could hear him muttering something under his breath...

"I must not crash the dock... I must not crash the dock.."