Sea Stories - Page 11 - RC Groups
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Feb 16, 2009, 08:19 PM
Naval gazing
Originally Posted by fooman2008
This is an olllld joke supposedly based on a true story;
Before WWII the army was so tight on funding that for exercises they could barely afford the fuel for the trucks to take the troops to the exercise areas. Tanks were simulated by staff cars covered with wood and fabric tanks shapes.
PFC Jones gets off the truck gets in line for his weapons issue, instead of a rifle he is handed a broom handle. When he enquirers of the Corporal what he is supposed to do when it comes time to fire he is told point the 'weapon' at the enemy and shout "bangedy-bang-bang" and the bad guys will die.
PFC Jones is placed in a trench at the edge of a large clearing and told to shoot anyone he sees. He sees two guys with a piece of galvanized pipe on a tripod swinging it slowly back and forth going "machinegunny-machinegunny-machinegunny".
He turns back to his area of responsibility and sees the largest man he has ever seen in his life carrying a piece of cast iron sewer pipe on his shoulder. He aims his 'rifle' and shoots "bangedy-bang-bang," the man keeps coming.
PFC Jones figures that the man is out range and did not hear.
He waits till the man is half way across the clearing and fires again "bangedy-bang-bang, bangedy-bang-bang."
Again the man kept coming. PFC Jones was perturbed but without supervision he couldn't figure out what to do.
Finally the man was 25 yard away, PFC Jones stands full up in his fox hole and aim his broom handle at the man and yells "bangedy-bang-bang, bangedy-bang-bang!" again the man continues towards him and PFC Jones looses his temper. "What the hell is your problem? I've shot you five times since you stepped into the clearing?
When the man finally got to within a few paces he replied in the deepest voice Smith had every heard "tankety-tank-tank!"
What makes me think that any part of this is fact is the Army was that desperate for funds just before WWII and I've heard of bags of flour for grenades and pieces of broom handle for rifles.
I just shot soda through my nose laughing!
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Feb 16, 2009, 08:22 PM
Naval gazing
Originally Posted by fooman2008
Small boy saying;
"There are two types of tin can sailors those who have been sea sick and those who will be! The LPO of our deck division figured that he would solve the problem with potential seasickness by making sure everyone got sick right away. He would cut the ventilation off in the berthing compartment (feet, shoes, oil, diesel fuel, dirty laundry, sulfur from the neighboring gun mount carrier room, nice!) and anyone who smoked was given one of those vile 'swisher sweet' cigars to smoke. Also anyone who stomach them would have nice can of sardines and mustard sauce! Talk about rank! that would get your stomach going for sure! After those who had succumbed, he would give those who gotten ill a sleeve of saltines and make sure they spent the next twelve hours outside in the fresh air. It may have felt like you were going to die for a while but you could deal with anything mother nature could throw at you after that!
Mother of God. Extraordinary Rendition's got nothing on that.
Feb 17, 2009, 04:49 AM
Registered User

more shipmates

Speaking of seasickness..we had this poor sonar tech named Zito, who would get sea sick just moving the ship from one side of the pier to the other! The worst part of it was, that due to a bad pressurization system for the sonar domes below 10 knots, that Zito's sea and anchor detail station was in the dome pressurization room to monitor the domes and makes sure they were okay. This space is right at the keel of the ship about 10 feet below the waterline and about 8 feet square. Since it was not normally manned it had no ventilation and just a vertical ladder two deck levels up to get out. When we would set sea and anchor detail stations we would be nice to poor Zito and make sure that someone had lowered an empty five gallon bucket and a one gallon bottle of fresh water along with a sleeve of saltines.

We also had a hull tech (now DC-man) name Bango. Biggest rag bag you ever saw, most people hated to get down wind of him. He was the only guy I ever met who could make it through the mess line at a dead run, no one wanted to get close to him. Along with a lack of familiarity with soap he seemed to have an affinity for grease and oil and I had personally seen him eat breakfast still dripping lube oil from his nose after a repair. Finally one day the asked the HT Chief why he put up him and he said wait until we get back to homeport (San Diego, 32nd street in this case). When we got back I again approached the Chief and he told me to watch Bango for a minute. Due to a design flaw (god bless Litton Ingalls) we had a perpetual leak of diesel fuel into our freshwater tanks resulting in never needing to use towels when showering (the water would just bead up and roll off) and some rather interesting digestive effects when changing to pier freshwater supplies. One of the first things we would always do when returning to port was empty the freshwater tanks de-gas them (make sure they were safe to enter) and have someone weld the cracked seam at the top of the tank(s). The manhole for the tank(s) was about 2 feet long by a foot wide and held down with about a dozen bolts. A normal person would have had to lower a ladder into the tank and climb it to access the seam that needed repair, Bango would unbolt the manhole, take a burlap bag to cover the protruding studs, don his welding jacket and helmet and hang from his knees upside down and weld the cracks in the tank! I looked at the Chief and he informed me that was the only reason he put up with a ragbag like Bango. Bango would frequently get told that something 'needed to be fixed' whenever we were doing washdowns (with either fresh or saltwater in fire hoses) thus removing some of his aroma, he always thought that was just a coincidence that he was the one fixing something right then!
Feb 17, 2009, 10:00 AM
Naval gazing
Thats a high price to pay for fixing genious.
Feb 17, 2009, 10:32 AM
Registered User
We weren't always real gentle with the hose(s) when we washed down and did on occasion 'accidentally' bounce him off the bulkhead with the hose. Strangely enough if he got his with salt water he would usually strike below and get afresh water shower before putting on different, usually grungy, clothing. He never did figure out it was the goats (Chief Petty Officers) that would make sure he got his weekly baths. They even sent him over the side in the IO (Indian Ocean) to work on a deck drain opening in hull just above the waterline...
Last edited by fooman2008; Feb 17, 2009 at 10:43 AM. Reason: rest of story
Feb 17, 2009, 10:39 AM
Naval gazing
he should be prosecuted for war crimes perhaps?
Feb 17, 2009, 10:50 AM
Registered User
Small boys (destroyers) usually had a way of dispensing their forms of justice, the zero's would turn a blind eye to stuff that really didn't effect the readiness of the ship. had another ragbag on my other ship and the corpsman finally gave into complaints and informed him that he had a severe allergy to the dirt and soot in the engine rooms and he needed special soap (Ivory with the printing carved off) to get rid of it. Because the soap was so special and expensive he was required to bathe in sick bay at least 5 times a week. God love smart corpsman!
Feb 17, 2009, 11:17 AM
Naval gazing
I shall remember that next time a smelly hipster photomajor emerges from the basement of my school for a smoke.
Feb 18, 2009, 03:39 AM
Registered User
Water balloon dropped from a balcony with a little rosewater in it does wonders....
P.S. not four floors up!
Feb 18, 2009, 09:13 AM
Naval gazing
I just remembered this one: last time I visited the USS constitution and the destroyer next to it, while on the destroyer, me and my friend asked to go check out one of the AA gun mounts. As it turns out, it could still rotate and elevate. So we we spent an our aiming it at stuff and tracking targets. The teacher who brought us there freaked out though. "OMG you'll break it!" and "stop pointing it at me!"

Not the funniest story, but it was a good time.
Feb 18, 2009, 10:38 AM
Registered User


Marine Corps Psalm;
For Yea though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death,
I shall fear no evil,
For I am the baddest sombitch in the Valley
a) and I have naval gunfire support on my side!

Deck Ape Motto
We the unwilling,
Lead by the Uncaring,
Doing the Impossible,
For the Ungrateful,
With so Little,
For so long,
That we are now qualified,
To do anything,
With nothing,
In no time at all!

Join the Navy,
Sail to Far off Distant Lands,
Meet Passionate Beauties,
And call down Naval Gunfire Support on them!

Feb 18, 2009, 08:44 PM
Registered User
Who is the most dangerous man on a Navy SEAL team? The guy with the radio! heas the 'finger of god' on the other end of it. I had an active SEAL tell that one!
Feb 21, 2009, 10:58 AM
Registered User

The Captain

The skipper of my first ship was a mustang (promoted from the ranks) and was finally come back to command of a ship (his last sea tour before he retired). Because of this and his intimate knowledge of the ship he would pull some occasionally squirelly things.
One of his favorites was to come walking into the bridge when nothing was going on and people were having trouble just staying awake and give the order; "This the Captain, I have the Deck, I have the Con, I have the Helm, I have the Lee Helm. You guys go get a smoke and come back in a few minutes. (Essentially he would take over the entire bridge watch section by himself for a few minutes just to prove he could do it)
Our ship's wheel was about 3 feet in diameter made of brass with a thick teak rim around it. It was held onto the steering shaft with a single large brass nut. Now ships are like cars, unless you are maneuvering you don't need large amounts of steering so you can get by with just a couple of degrees of rubber each way. Anyway the skipper would approach the helmsman to get the information for assuming the helm watch (course true, checking magnetic course, number of RPMs for what speed). He would ask if you could deal with the helm for a couple of minutes and would reach over unscrew the nut and remove the ship's wheel. After placing the wheel under his arm her would approach the Officer Of the Deck and ask to assume the helm (something he was full qualified to do) announce that the ship was steering course X checking course Y @ Z turns for L knots speed. Usually it would take a second for the OOD to realize that Captain had the ships wheel under his arm and you were steering just using the shaft on the console. Now the OOD's all knew they couldn't say anything (he was the Captain after all) but what could they do, the looks on their faces were always priceless! Another variation on that trick was for him to take over the helm watch for a second and hand you the wheel to go relieve him!
Feb 21, 2009, 02:16 PM
Naval gazing
Feb 21, 2009, 07:02 PM
Airplane crasher
CapMike's Avatar
I remember a co-worker telling me of when he was in the navy. The OOD was a fresh fish newly minted and on his first cruise. The fresh fish was in charge of the night shift on the bridge. One of his duties was to make sure the ship was on course by taking astrological readings. Now he was supposed to have remembered how to do the calculations either in his head or via a slide rule. His method was to take the readings then run down to his stateroom to use the calculator. My co-worker had the helm that night. When the OOD would run down he would make a 5 degree course change and steam that way for almost the entire time until the next position check. Then back to the same compass bearing when the OOD would come back for the course check. This went on for several hours before the OOD paniced and called the captain to the bridge. By this time the ship was back to the origional course. The OOD complained to the Captain who then told the OOD that maybe his calculator was broken. Several days passed and the Captain called my co-worker to his quarters. He had gone over the plot and said. "I know exactly what you did and why. Keep it up."