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Relationship Tips From Downunder
Man's five most feared questions:
1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below along with possible responses. Question 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Nothing b. Football c. Jennifer Love Hewett d. How fat you are e. How would I spend the insurance money if you died Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you." Question 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is necessary: "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh yeah, sure, lots. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love d. Does it matter e. Who, me? Question 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!" Among the incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!" Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define "pretty" e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat".) No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines: WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't. She's left-handed. WOMAN: ...silence... MAN: Damn !! |
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Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work." |
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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing." |
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50 Shades of Grey.. for the elderly...
> My missus bought a paperback
> In Asda, Saturday. > I had a look inside the bag - > 'Twas "Fifty Shades of Grey". > > Well I just left her to it, see, > And went off up to bed. > An hour later, she appeared > Oh, the sight filled me with dread. > > In her hand she held a rope, > The other, held a whip. > She brandished them around a bit > And then began to strip. > > Well, forty years ago > I might have had a peek. > But Doris hasn't weathered well - > She's sixty-eight next week. > > Watching Doris bump and grind > Couldn't be much grimmer. > And things progressed from bad to worse - > She toppled off her Zimmer . > > She struggled back up to her feet > A good half hour later, > Put her teeth back in and said > That I must dominate her. > > Now if you knew our Doris, see, > You'd know just why I cringed. > I'd been two months in traction, 'cos > My hips and knees unhinged. > > She stood there nude. All naked, like, > Bent forward quite a bit > and, jumping back in fright, I went > And stood on her left t*t. > > Doris screamed, her teeth shot out, > My word. What HAD I done ? > She moaned and groaned then shouted out > "Step on the OTHER one" > > Well reader, I can tell no more > About what occurred that day. > Suffice to say, my dark brown hair, > Turned fifty shades of grey. > > Black and blue, battered too, > With wanton, wild perversion, > We decided that a night of sin > Was scarce worth such exertion. > > Thank Heavens she has binned the book > And peace reigns, like before. > She's head to toe in winceyette > And back to back, we snore. |
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Amazing
Just had to pass this one along
What an amazing story!! Please read to the end. In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. he elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.. Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant. |
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Made them many times,.. no flour. I don't use the baking soda though. Of course they're soft-ish, can't get crunchy without flour, but very good with splenda as sweetener and using chunky peanut butter.
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Latest blog entry: blog
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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've just delayed my trip even more." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." |
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A woman walks back in from a 2 hour lunch break...whispers to her friend.. omg i just had sex with a Brazilian in the parking lot....Her " Blondie " friend All wide eyed looks at her and says omg you whore. How many is a Brazilian ??
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