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May 21, 2010, 07:31 PM
ein flugel schplinterizer
seanpcola's Avatar
Originally Posted by Maineiac63
LOL Sean
Takes a married man to appreciate that joke. Funny thing is we just finished installing granite countertops in our kitchen and I almost got hit head on by some idiot in traffic today. Would have hated to be an example of "truth being stranger than fiction".
May 21, 2010, 08:00 PM
Registered User
Pudknocker71's Avatar
Originally Posted by seanpcola
Takes a married man to appreciate that joke. Funny thing is we just finished installing granite countertops in our kitchen and I almost got hit head on by some idiot in traffic today. Would have hated to be an example of "truth being stranger than fiction".
Totally understand.
May 21, 2010, 08:06 PM
ein flugel schplinterizer
seanpcola's Avatar
An older couple went to see a sex therapist.

The doctor asks "What can I do for you?".
The man says "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?".
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. He examines them both and directs them to go at it.
When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and upon completion advised the couple "there's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse".

He then charged them $32.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have at it with no apparent problems, get dressed, pay the doctor and then leave.

Finally after two months of this, the doctor asked "just exactly what are you trying to find out?".

The old man says "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $78.00. We do it here for $32.00 and I get $28.00 back from Medicare".
May 21, 2010, 08:29 PM
ein flugel schplinterizer
seanpcola's Avatar
A man was leaving a 7-11 one morning after getting coffee and noticed a most unusual funeral procession heading for a nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was being followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file. The guy's curiosity got to him so he respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "sir, I know this is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Who's funeral is it?".

The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife".

"What happened to her?".

The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her".

He inquired further, "well, who is in the second hearse?".

The man answered "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her".

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Sir, can I borrow that dog?".

"Get in line".
May 25, 2010, 09:21 PM
semper mitis
gentle ben's Avatar
I was lucky to survive my childhood... TWO KEYS AND A WALL SOCKET BEFORE CIRCUIT BREAKERS.... This one hits close to home.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.

The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...


I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head,
which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
May 26, 2010, 10:18 AM
Figure Nine Champ
madsci_guy's Avatar
Originally Posted by gentle ben
I was lucky to survive my childhood... TWO KEYS AND A WALL SOCKET BEFORE CIRCUIT BREAKERS....
That's why they put fuses into house wiring. Unless you're 100+ they had fuses
May 27, 2010, 05:23 PM
ein flugel schplinterizer
seanpcola's Avatar
Yeah but I do remember the round glass "slow blow" fuses. Those would give you time to think about your indiscretion.
May 28, 2010, 09:17 AM
Figure Nine Champ
madsci_guy's Avatar
Fuses generally trip faster than breakers.
May 28, 2010, 06:38 PM
semper mitis
gentle ben's Avatar
May 28, 2010, 08:23 PM
ein flugel schplinterizer
seanpcola's Avatar
Good one GB!

All this talk about circuit breakers and fuses may be OK from an academic standpoint but myself and a lot of people I know have been nailed good and hard before a breaker/fuse/SB fuse could trip. I also know a retired Master Electrician that died from drilling into a home AC circuit.
Jun 03, 2010, 12:57 AM
Got Slow Stick?
Stupid video I made for school. haha
Jun 03, 2010, 04:37 AM
Registered User
Pudknocker71's Avatar
Originally Posted by helicop19
Stupid video I made for school. haha
Not bad..not bad at all!
Jun 04, 2010, 01:43 AM
Xpress..'s Avatar
Originally Posted by helicop19
Stupid video I made for school. haha
Lol, that was neat
Latest blog entry: Multiplex FunCub XL!
Jun 09, 2010, 11:57 PM
Registered User

Beaten wife?

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Jun 09, 2010, 11:58 PM
Registered User

Oil leak stopped!!!

One of the guys just told me that BP stopped the oil leak, said they put a wedding ring around it and it stopped putting out.

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