John went to visit his 90
year old grandfather
in a very secluded, rural
area of Saskatchewan .
spending a great evening chatting the night away,
morning John's grandfather prepared
breakfast of bacon, eggs
However, John noticed
a film like substance on his plate,
and questioned his
'Are these plates
'They're as clean as
cold water can get 'em..
Just you go ahead and
finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man
Again, John was
concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have
tiny specks around
the edge that looked like
dried egg and asked,
'Are you sure these
plates are clean?'
Without looking up
the old man said,
'I told you before,
Sonny, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can
get them. Now don't you
fret, I don't want to
hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon,
John was on his way to a nearby town
and as he was leaving,
his grandfather's dog
started to growl, and
wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention
from the football game
he was watching on TV,
the old man shouted!
'Coldwater, go lay
down now, yah hear me!'
I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
"12 million illegal immigrants;
3 million crack heads;
47 million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons;
Half of Mexico;
535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, "WHO DID I MISS?"
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
'The A.I. man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove
a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn.
Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy
sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me
lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right
cow to be bred?'
'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess
it's to hang your pants on.'
(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an American, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a Nigerian, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, an Ethiopian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Senegalese, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, a Ghanian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Mauritanian, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, a Kenyan, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tanzanian, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, a Liberian, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a South African, a Singaporean, an Italian, and a Norwegian walk into a fine restaurant
…"I'm sorry," says the maître d', scrutinizing the group one by one as he stops them from entering, "You can't come in here without a Thai."
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss," he said, "My doctor gave me a pill that actually worked. I'm here on time today!!"
"That's fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter.
In His highly aroused state, her husband readily Agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 10 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he 'd been earning, and therefore, they Were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that For the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
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