A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face?" the horse replies "I'm an alcoholic".
Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Burning to death.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "No chance, you won't bring it back."
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"