Travel Advisory for France

[Arbo]

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was
compiled from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the Central
Intelligence Agency, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug
Administration, the Center for Disease Control and some very expensive spy
satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for
American travelers only and no guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.

General Overview
****************
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of
Europe, and is for all intents and purposes, useless. It is an important member of
the world community, although not nearly as important as it thinks. It is
bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no
particular consequence or shopping opportunities. France is a very old
country with many treasures such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its
contributions to Western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese, the
guillotine, and body odor. Although France likes to think of itself as a
modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible
to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American
visitors is that the people will fully persist in speaking French, although many will
speak English if shouted at repeatedly.

The People
**********
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a
great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously over-sexed and have no
concept of standing patiently in a line. The French people are generally
gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are
their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd
hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are Communists and topless
sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie and they
kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised to
travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful pants for easier
mutual recognition. All French women have small breasts, and don't shave
their armpits or their legs.

Safety
******
In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers are advised
that France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French
surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices,
life for the visitors generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting
France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent
years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London.

History

*******
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important
historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now
an airport. The French armies of the past have had their asses kicked by
just about every other country in the world.

Government
**********
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held
more or less continuously and always result in a run-off. For administrative
purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts,
municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although,
confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either
Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's
principal pre occupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific
and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current
State Department intelligence, the current President is someone named
Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture
*******
The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to see
why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a
movie that you want to watch for anything except the nude scenes. Nothing, of
course, is more boring than a French novel (except perhaps an evening with a
French family).

Cuisine
*******
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a
slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent
although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word.
American travelers are therefore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at McDonald's or
the restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or Holiday Inn. Bring
your own beer, as the domestic varieties are nothing but a poor excuse for
such.

Economy
*******
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's economy
in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work at all. If they
are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and
blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal
exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons,
perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry, grenade
launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and
cheese.

Conclusion
**********
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a
temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French
people didn't inhabit it, and it weren't still radioactive from all the nuclear
tests they run. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not
Spain. Remember no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take
our vacation in Miami Beach and you are advised to do the same.

When advised that France had announced it would not assist, become allied
with or otherwise support the US in any war on Iraq, Perot reportedly said:
"Having to go to war without France is sort of like having to go deer
hunting without an accordion"

Fred Barnes (Fox News) said last week-

"It is good to have France on Iraq's side, because they will be able to
teach the Iraqis how to surrender!!!"

[Up&Away]

OK. I've been holding this one back because I thought I may displease someone. But If you've read this far, you might as well read the next little fairy tale:
It was given to me by a French Canadian lady (honest) with a sense of humor (they do exist!)

THE BUNNY AND THE SNAKE

Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an
orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped
over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't
mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that
going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So
the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said,
"Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really
long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft
cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious
excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I
could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the
same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked,
"Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a
forked tongue, an easily bended backbone and no testies(DS). I'd say you must be French".