Joined May 2002
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for
baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and
somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it
was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never
go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the
supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and
since they lived in the country, he 'phoned his wife and told her that
he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small
café and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off
any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three
extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he
arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for
She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning
to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the
blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until
she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to
one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He
had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air
He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He
raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving
and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his
arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming.
He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue
ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute
later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the
hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on
like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time
with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness
and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands
on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his
wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the
dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the
blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around
the table for his surprise birthday party.