Attention Gulf Coast Members!!!!
Gulf Coast of Louisiana/Mississippi/Alabama/N.W.Florida Hurricane Season
We're in the peak of the hurricane season! In fact Hurricane Isadore is
already in the Gulf & expected to turn north at Noon on Wednesday,
Every day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person
pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two
basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be living along the Northern
Coast of The Gulf of Mexico. If you're new to the area, you're probably
wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll
get hit by "the big one.'' Based on our experiences, we recommend that
you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Iowa and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay home in Louisiana,
Mississippi, Alabama and NW Florida. We'll start with one of the most
important hurricane preparedness items:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this
insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Iowa.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in South
Louisiana/Mississippi/Alabama, NW Florida or any other area that might
actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not
to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to
pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance
business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an
insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal
to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can
drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Georges, I have had an
estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered
by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states
that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on
demand, to my kidneys.
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the
doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are
several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you
get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your
hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will
have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so.
He lives in Iowa.
"Hurricane Proofing Your Property:
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like
barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You
should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if
you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).
Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route
planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at
your driver's license; if it says "Louisiana,'' "Mississippi," "Alabama"
or "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an
evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major
storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam
several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other
evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them
now! Tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute,
then go to the grocery store and get into vicious fights with strangers
over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you
will need the following supplies:
1. 23 flashlights.
2. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes
off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
3. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what
the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
4. A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
5. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in
a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
6. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators (Ask
anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be
7. $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you
can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions.
As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep
abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV
reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and telling you
over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from
Have a Happy Hurricane Season and enjoy your
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