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Old Jun 22, 2006, 01:28 AM
Registered User
Bulgaria
Joined Oct 2005
60 Posts
Funny
Chuck Norris jokes.

I'm sorry if you have already seen those, but I can't help it they are hilarious
If you try video taping Chuck Norris without his permission you will very quickly be filming the inside of your own ass.

Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.

If you lost your virginity, Chuck Norris probably has it.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Ozzy Osbourne ate the head of a bat, but Chuck Norris ate Batman.

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.

There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer because Chuck Norris is always in control.

Inspired by the movie Alien vs. Predator, Chuck Norris has begun work on a screen play tentatively titled, "Alien, Predator, Frankenstein, Wolfman, The Mummy, and a Whole Sh*tload of Vampires vs. Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take sh*t from anyone.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

When Chuck Norris gets in a car crash the air bags do not save Chuck Norris, they save the car.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.

Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

The only reason the Energizer Bunny keeps going and going is because it knows Chuck Norris is after it.

Chuck Norris once brought a man back to life twice and killed him three times because the man had the audacity to die before Chuck Norris was finished killing him.

Chuck Norris was awarded the nobel price for peace, for letting so many people live.

If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

One time, Chuck Norris ate an entire birthday cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity 3 seconds before his father.
Chuck Norris was born in the log cabin he built himself.
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with an erection. There were no survivors...
Chuck Norris is hung like a baby- 7 lbs. 5 oz.
Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women than most men.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by pointing at her and saying "Booyah".
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with. That afternoon.
Chuck Norris is the reason that the Mona Lisa smiles.
Chuck Norris' sperm cells do not swim. They fly.
Chuck Norris doesn't teabag, he potato sacks.
Prostitution is legal in Chuck Norris's bedroom, but nobody ever charges.
Chuck Norris has never lost his virginity. Chuck Norris never loses.
Someone once bet Chuck Norris that he couldn't eat a dozen 48-oz steaks in under an hour. He did it, but for the first 45 minutes he was having sex with the waitress.
Each of Chuck Norris' sperms has a tiny black belt.
Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.
Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
When Chuck Norris drops the soap in the prison shower, someone else picks it up for him. He favours Camomile, I'm told.
Chuck Norris eats his children, if they survive they will grow up mighty.
Chuck Norris is circumcised because the skin was needed for a skin graft onto 1000 other penises. There is still 94.5% of the foreskin in cold storage under Texas.
I'm pregnant with Chuck Norris' child. This wouldn't be remarkable but I'm a man.
the day you introduce your mom to Chuck Norris, is the day you mom introduces you to your biological father
Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.
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Old Jun 28, 2006, 02:14 PM
2200 Watt Club
edf express's Avatar
Birmingham, AL
Joined May 2005
194 Posts
now im rolling on the floor!
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Old Jun 28, 2006, 05:40 PM
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GWFAMI's Avatar
Kansas
Joined Jul 2005
182 Posts
Probably because Chuck Norris put you there
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Old Jun 28, 2006, 10:12 PM
Not THAT Ira
Real Ira's Avatar
Coupeville, Wa
Joined Jan 2006
4,722 Posts
The Chuck Norris toilet paper company went out of business.
Thats right, you guessed it. The stuff would'nt take off of anybody.
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Old Jun 30, 2006, 11:57 PM
Slowly crashing
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Norther Illinois
Joined Dec 2005
1 Posts
Chuck Norris jumps into a pool, he doesn't get wet, the pool gets Chuck Norris.
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Old Jul 01, 2006, 12:46 AM
Not THAT Ira
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Coupeville, Wa
Joined Jan 2006
4,722 Posts
Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is flying his airplane over the jungle when the engine quits and the plane goes down. Naturaly Chuck Norris emerges unscathed but is captured by a tribe of 1000 cannables.
The chief says,"If you pass the test of manhood you shall live".
1st you must swim across the river full of poison snakes you see in front of you.
2nd you must subdue a wild tigar and pull it's abcessed tooth.
3rd you must service my daughter too her total satisfaction, she is the uglyest woman on the planet.
You have 1 minute.....begin!!!
Chuck dives into the river and emerges with a few bites and a dead snake in his teeth.
He then runs into a hut where dreadfull roars and a few screams are heard. He emerges 30 seconds later bloody but standing and asks,"OK A-Hole now where's the chick with the tooth??
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Old Jul 08, 2006, 06:45 PM
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Twin-Jet-Crash's Avatar
Norway
Joined May 2004
255 Posts
Actually, i believe Jack Bauer from the TV series 24 is more badass than Chuck Norris. Here is some of the reason for that:

* As a child, Jack Bauer planted a GPS chip in a tooth, put it under his pillow and waited. He then tracked,interogated,tortured and killed the tooth fairy. NO ONE takes Jack Bauer's tooth.

* "Jack Bauer" in Arabic means "I'm f**ked!"

* If everyone listened to Jack Bauer, the show would be called 12.

* God had to give Jack Bauer immunity on the sixth commandment "Thou shalt not kill". If he hadn't, Jack would've considered God to be a terrorist and God knows what happens to terrorists.

* Supermans' only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

* Jack Bauer got a cat and named it Chuck Norris, because it was a pussy.

* When in Jack Bauer's presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.

* The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

* Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.

* Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

* 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

* When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

* Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

* Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

* Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.


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Old Jul 10, 2006, 02:04 PM
SCAMMERS WELCOME!!!!!!!!!
trashmanf's Avatar
Kent, WA
Joined Dec 2003
2,797 Posts
stupid... these are just chuck norris facts, with JBs name put in them. once that starts you can put anybodys name in there. there may have to be a match between them to determine who is more bad ...

PS chuck norris was the world karate champion, kiefer sutherland was... nothing that cool!
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Old Jul 10, 2006, 04:55 PM
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Twin-Jet-Crash's Avatar
Norway
Joined May 2004
255 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by trashmanf
stupid... these are just chuck norris facts, with JBs name put in them. once that starts you can put anybodys name in there. there may have to be a match between them to determine who is more bad ...

PS chuck norris was the world karate champion, kiefer sutherland was... nothing that cool!

Well, the facts aren't about Kiefer Southerland, it's about the character Jack Bauer. And no, they're not Norris-facts with another name on them. Maybe the one with russian roulette has been a Norris-fact to, the others are from the storryline of 24 (wich as far as i remember, Chuck Norris didn't play in).

And, if you haven't seen 24, then you probably don't know what it's all about. Jack Bauer is the most bad ass person on TV right now (or when they send the episodes..)!

And by the way:
* Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
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Old Jul 10, 2006, 11:06 PM
Not THAT Ira
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Coupeville, Wa
Joined Jan 2006
4,722 Posts
I just read that Jack Bauer lives only on the corn picked from Chuck Norris's
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Old Jul 12, 2006, 10:21 AM
SCAMMERS WELCOME!!!!!!!!!
trashmanf's Avatar
Kent, WA
Joined Dec 2003
2,797 Posts
whoa! then Jack Bauer really must be a bad-@$$!!!
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Old Jul 12, 2006, 11:28 AM
Not THAT Ira
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Coupeville, Wa
Joined Jan 2006
4,722 Posts
But he is no gormet.
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Old Jul 17, 2006, 02:05 PM
Robots... robots everywhere
minifly's Avatar
Cape Town, South Africa
Joined Jan 2003
2,060 Posts
Chuck Norris fathered himself because nobody else was up to it. Even Jack Bauer couldn't do that.
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Old Feb 28, 2007, 09:11 AM
The original Flying Pigs Sqd.
Up&Away's Avatar
Netanya, Israel
Joined Aug 2002
9,952 Posts
Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.
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Old Feb 28, 2007, 09:12 AM
The original Flying Pigs Sqd.
Up&Away's Avatar
Netanya, Israel
Joined Aug 2002
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1. When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways. (237 votes)

2. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris. (180 votes)

3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. (179 votes)

4. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. (179 votes)

5. When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. (175 votes)


6. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep. (174 votes)

7. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there. (173 votes)

8. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise. (172 votes)

9. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic. (172 votes)

10. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
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