|May 12, 2012, 09:33 AM|
A guy gets asked a stupid question at wallmart - here is his answer
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Purina at wallmart
and standing inline at the check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet
and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets
and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no
; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing
so hard as he stood there waiting in line.
Stupid %$%##... why else would I be buying dog food??
|May 12, 2012, 10:25 AM|
ILL TRY THIS
did you here about the 100 lb man with 50 lb balls...
hes half nuts !!!!
did you here about the guy that burned his whole left side.........
hes all right now !!!!
what drys as it gets wet.....
a towel !!!!
|May 13, 2012, 12:35 AM|
USA, TX, Fort Worth
Joined May 2007
When we were dating I asked my wife to be did she hear about the baby that was born last week with no eyelids?
"No! What happened to him?"
I said when they circumcised him they used the foreskin to make him some eyelids.
"So he's going to be ok?"
Oh yeah he's fine. The doctors said the only thing was when he grew up he'd probably be a little cockeyed.
|May 13, 2012, 03:15 AM|
Still one of my favorites:
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
Life is good in the South.
|May 14, 2012, 12:07 AM|
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?
He got stuck in Orbit!
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
Cause he was caught with seaweed.
|May 14, 2012, 12:42 AM|
Joined Jul 2010
A lady waiting for her train at the train station notices a set of scales and being a woman she just has to use them.
so she steps on the scales, puts a coin in, and out comes a ticket saying (when you step off the scales you will pass wind.) well she stepped off in disgust and let out a ripper, she could not believe it and tried the scales again, this time the ticket said, (when you step of these scales a tall dark stranger will walk past and you will not be able to control yourself, you will drag him to the change rooms and have your way with him.) well she stepped of and surely enough the scales were right. again she stepped on the scales put in a coin and a ticket came out saying (While you were farting and F**$#ng around you missed your train.)
I hope this isn't too crude sorry if it offends but i found it funny.
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