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Old Dec 15, 2009, 09:31 PM
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D B Cooper's Avatar
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America's Vonn Wins Downhill - Dems Demand Investigation

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Lindsay Vonn's dual victories at Lake Louise over the weekend have drawn sharp criticism from ranking Democrats, followed by demands for an inquiry into the troubling incident.

President Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder held a press conference announcing an investigation into Vonn's motives. "America has been arrogant in the past," stated the president. "We need to atone and ask for forgiveness. These victories in the women's downhill events send the wrong message to the world - that America is still arrogant and seeks to win. For this I intend to apologize directly to the IOC."

Eric Holder supported the president by saying, "I have discussed this thoroughly with my wife, and we are determined to get to the bottom of what motivates Vonn to win," said Holder. "For the sake of improving racial relations we must openly look into the possibility that her ethnic background might make her accumulation of trophies a hate crime - especially as African-American women are underrepresented in winter sports." Asked if Vonn would be read her rights and given the presumption of innocence, Holder responded, "Absolutely not. Her lack of membership in an organization that seeks to destroy this country precludes any such consideration."

"What particularly offends me is that Mrs. Vonn is young, talented, attractive, and has prizes handed to her simply because she keeps winning," said Sen. Barbara Boxer in her recent speech about healthcare. "And while this farce is allowed to continue, a senator like me must work hard for her title. It's revolting, immoral, and we need to do something about it."

The noted historian Harry Reid corroborated Mrs. Boxer's findings by pointing at the disturbing parallel of Vonn's prowess at skiing and slavery. "If you think you've seen determination to win in the past, you're right. Slave masters also wanted to win. Just like them, she wants to dominate others, only in sports," Reid said.

Leaders of the progressive community were quick to condemn Vonn's behavior on the slopes. Former Vice President Al Gore interrupted his vacation on a luxury yacht to release this statement: "Those who ski on snow while the world is melting, not only live in denial; they are committing a crime against science. Our children will watch her ski and think that everything's fine and there will be a winter next year. People like this stop at nothing, not even at using polar bear pelts for throw rugs when nobody's watching."

Representative Barney Frank, while on his way to insult his constituency at a town hall meeting, was adamant: "It's sick! What's worse, she's married to a man! What kind of message does this send our children?"

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed spoke from his jail cell and offered his insight as a respected scholar on Sharia Law. "In my country, women must ski in burkhas! Clearly she is an infidel and must be punished! What more is there to say?"

Former Olympian Lamar Ferguson, who won gold in the men's 3/4 acre lawn mowing event in Beijing, told ESPN that "Well, shoot, what's the point o' competin' if you don't go out there to win? Next thang y'know, they'll be givin' away Nobel prizes for doin' nothin'! That's just d-u-m stupid if you ask me."

Barring a jail term, Lindsay Vonn is expected to compete in the 2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver.
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