|Dec 26, 2011, 10:28 PM|
(slang translation in green)
A Boer South African hillbilly dictionary
Monitor - Keeping an eye on the braai
Download - Get the firewood off the bakkie bakkie is what we call a pickup for some reason.
Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold beer
Keyboard - Where you hang the bakkie and bike keys
Window - What you shut when it's cold
Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season
Byte - What mosquitoes do
Bit - What mosquitoes did
Mega Byte - What moerse flippen big mosquitoes at the dam do
Chip - A bar snack
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem - What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix - Oom Jan Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at KFC
Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from Checkers South African Walmart
Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
Mouse Pad - Where the mouse takes the grain it does not eat
Mainframe - What holds the garden shed up
Web - What spiders make
Web Site - The shed (or under the veranda)
Cursor - The old toppie old man what swears a lot
Search Engine - What you do when the bakkie won't go
Yahoo - What you say when the bakkie does go
Upgrade - A steep koppie HillServer - The gentleman at the pub that brings out the lunch
Mail Server - The oke dude at the pub that brings out the lunch
User - The neighbour that keeps borrowing things
Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape - When fish maneuvers out of reach of net
Online - When you get the laundry hung out
|Dec 27, 2011, 07:38 AM|
"A federal judge struck down California's gay marriage ban. In West Hollywood, gay men were dancing in the streets with rainbow flags and playing techno music, and then they heard about the ruling and they went crazy." --Craig Ferguson
|Jan 03, 2012, 03:09 PM|
Rrrrrrring . All of our customer service representitives are busy. Please remain on the line and if you can keep from throwing your phone and breaking it a representitive will assist you.
|Jan 03, 2012, 07:49 PM|
My girlfriend promised me a hot weekend.
SO back in the 70's before you could buy condoms off the shelf in the front you had to go to the back. So I walk into my local pharmacy and went to the back and told the pharmacist that I would like 2 boxes of condoms... He said sure... He gave me the boxes and we exchanged the money.
I grabbed the boxes and started to walk out when he yelled "you want a bag?"
I turned around and yelled back "She ain't that ugly!"
|Jan 04, 2012, 09:39 AM|
Joined Nov 2007
|Jan 05, 2012, 02:03 AM|
The first step to wisdom is silence, the second is listening.
An old priest lay dying. He sent a message for a IRS
supervisor and his lawyer to come to the hospital.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the
room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each
side of the bed. The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled
and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything.
Both the IRS supervisor and lawyer were touched and flattered
that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication
that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, Father, why did you ask the two of us to come
The old priest mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, Jesus
died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go.
|Jan 05, 2012, 01:28 PM|
I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the
Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been
nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way
below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife
has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He
says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in!!
|Jan 05, 2012, 01:31 PM|
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, shiloh, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
|Jan 05, 2012, 01:32 PM|
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his seventies and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
|Jan 05, 2012, 04:14 PM|
|Jan 06, 2012, 11:48 PM|
A rich 70 year old guy goes to his country club. He brings a beautiful sexy 20 something woman with him and she dotes on his every desire. When she goes to get him a drink his buddies ask where he found the new girlfriend.
"That's no girlfriend, that's my new wife" he says. "I had to lie about my age to get her".
"Did you tell her you were 60?"
"No, I told her I was 90!"
|Jan 11, 2012, 02:55 AM|
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Montana, the second is from Tennessee, and the third is from
Chicago. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9000. That's $4000 for
materials, $4000 for my crew and $1000 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
says, "I can do this job for $7000. That's $3000 for materials, $3000 for
my crew and $1000 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
White House official and whispers, "I'll do it for $27,000."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the
other guys. How did you come up with such a ridiculously high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and
we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the White House official.
And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.
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