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Old Sep 22, 2011, 08:25 PM
ein flugel schplinterizer
seanpcola's Avatar
USA, FL, Pensacola
Joined Sep 2004
5,033 Posts
May have been posted here before but................one of my favorites:

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While enroute home he asks the cabby if he'd be a witness. The man suspects his
wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act, so the cabby agrees.




Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe
into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights,
yanks the blanket back and there's his wife in bed
with another man!



The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.



The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you
I inherited money.





HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our
new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season Pittsburgh
Steelers tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even
pays the monthly dues!"



Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers
the gun. He looks over at the cabby and asks, "What
would you do?"



The cabby replies, "I'd cover him back up with that
blanket before he catches cold."
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Old Sep 27, 2011, 08:52 PM
David Drowns
Mig Man's Avatar
Southern California
Joined Nov 2010
137 Posts
Alcohol Labels Just Like Cigarettes

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you
are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you
can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-
lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in
getting your butt kicked..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan
tpye reel Gode.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Please drink responsibly.
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Old Sep 28, 2011, 01:20 AM
Taking care of the pond.
MILLERTIME's Avatar
USA, CA, Fresno
Joined Apr 2004
7,265 Posts
A Drunk man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.


The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze.

Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river.


He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'


The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.'


The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again,
but for a bit longer this time.

He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, ''No, I have not found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, ˜For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, ˜Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
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Old Sep 29, 2011, 09:26 PM
Taking care of the pond.
MILLERTIME's Avatar
USA, CA, Fresno
Joined Apr 2004
7,265 Posts
An American, a British and a Chinese went for a hike one day. It was very hot.
When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and
jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded.
As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the British
quickly used their hands to cover their privates.
But the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left , the men got their clothes back on. The American and the British asked the Chinese why he covered his face instead of his private part.
The Chinese replied, I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the
face that people recognize.
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Old Oct 03, 2011, 09:44 AM
Registered User
United States, NY, New York
Joined Dec 2009
477 Posts
A must have in every home in America!

For everyone who would rather not have a gun in the house!

In view of the recent Supreme Court ruling, sales of this new product may skyrocket.

Washington thinks they are going to take away our guns, so check this out. I like it!

NAIL GUNS! AND, you don't even have to REGISTER them or have LICENSES for them!

AND, you don't have to worry about them being CONCEALED!

Just a LOT of good stuff to do with THIS!

Once in awhile something so totally cool comes out that even a guy who doesn't normally even know what he'd like for Father's Day or Christmas would immediately ask for it:

Thank you, DeWalt!!!



New Nail Gun, made by DeWALT

It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2x4 at 200 yards.

This makes construction a breeze, you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.

Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back and relax. When she has the board in the right place, just fire away.

With the hundred round magazine, you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading. After a day of fence building with the new DeWalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife will not ask you to build or fix anything else, probably, ever again.
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Old Oct 03, 2011, 09:51 AM
EIEIEIO Classic is dway ta go!
flyinwalenda's Avatar
Northeast Pa. .Heyna or No?
Joined Aug 2009
1,872 Posts
I know there are a lot of aftermarket stocks, grips, for the AR ........but in yellow ?
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Old Oct 03, 2011, 10:16 AM
The original Flying Pigs Sqd.
Up&Away's Avatar
Netanya, Israel
Joined Aug 2002
9,953 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by flyinwalenda View Post
I know there are a lot of aftermarket stocks, grips, for the AR ........but in yellow ?
So you see it in the dark ofcourse!
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Old Oct 03, 2011, 12:35 PM
Mach .09 Super Achiever
Chophop's Avatar
Pleasant Valley Modelport
Joined Sep 2006
8,445 Posts
Not a joke, but a funny situation.

I was searching for a propane wall heater. An ad found it's way into the heater's description page. It said, " Uncomforatble with gas ?" "Try Beno, eliminates gas"
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Old Oct 03, 2011, 11:28 PM
David Drowns
Mig Man's Avatar
Southern California
Joined Nov 2010
137 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chophop View Post
Not a joke, but a funny situation.

I was searching for a propane wall heater. An ad found it's way into the heater's description page. It said, " Uncomforatble with gas ?" "Try Beno, eliminates gas"
They're profiling you Chop....

They read your 'funny pics' comments....

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Old Oct 03, 2011, 11:36 PM
Registered User
mtnmnstr's Avatar
United States, MS, Amory
Joined Oct 2004
1,412 Posts
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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Old Oct 04, 2011, 08:50 AM
Registered User
Perth Australia
Joined Feb 2010
488 Posts
a man went to work with a steering wheel in his pants . one of the guys at work says ' hey , there's a steering wheel in your pants ' . man replies ' yeah i know , it's driving me nuts ' .
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Old Oct 04, 2011, 04:46 PM
Gaui X3, Blade 150X
BladeScraper's Avatar
United States, MO, KC
Joined Jun 2011
2,954 Posts
2 hillbillys walk into a bar.one of them goes over, pulls a girls pants down and licks her butt crack.

the other hillbilly says "what was THAT!?"

He Replies, "thats the Hind-lick maneuver
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Latest blog entry: new radio!
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Old Oct 04, 2011, 06:25 PM
free bird
Mickey D's Avatar
South Africa, GP, Johannesburg
Joined Aug 2011
169 Posts
and then he got his lights punched out!
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Old Oct 05, 2011, 02:35 PM
The original Flying Pigs Sqd.
Up&Away's Avatar
Netanya, Israel
Joined Aug 2002
9,953 Posts
"Hi. This is Sarah Palin. Is Senator Lieberman in?"

"No, Governor. It's Yom Kippur !"

"Well...... Hello, Yom. Can I leave a message?"
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Old Oct 06, 2011, 01:02 AM
Taking care of the pond.
MILLERTIME's Avatar
USA, CA, Fresno
Joined Apr 2004
7,265 Posts
A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female.'"

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?" Customer says, "White."

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up."
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