|Aug 30, 2011, 03:37 AM|
A married couple has been stranded on a deserted island for many years.
One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.
The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no hanky-panky!" They yell back, "We're not misbehaving!" A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no hanky-panky!" Again they yell back, "We're not misbehaving!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no hanky-panky!" They yell back, "We're not misbehaving!" Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're misbehaving.
|Aug 31, 2011, 11:10 PM|
The most beautiful woman in the world asked me to not make this joke. She won.
|Aug 31, 2011, 11:26 PM|
A worm who falls asleep in King Authur's apple wake up in middle of Knight.
Man and woman who go camping together have one intent.
Man who wishes to make headlines should sleep on caudoroy pillow.
Man who eat cookies in bed wake up feeling crummy.
|Sep 06, 2011, 08:59 PM|
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."
|Sep 10, 2011, 06:16 AM|
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.
He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and
The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had
some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over,
as he hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
|Sep 10, 2011, 10:58 PM|
USA, MO, O'Fallon
Joined Dec 2003
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive e for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know.
|Sep 10, 2011, 11:02 PM|
USA, MO, O'Fallon
Joined Dec 2003
Rule #1: Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule #2: If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret Girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule #3: If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule #4: It is neither in your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule #5: Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule #6: Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
Rule #7: You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
Rule #8: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule #9: Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.
Rule #10: Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Rule #11: When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.
Rule #12: Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
|Sep 10, 2011, 11:02 PM|
It was a Friday evening, and this guy gets home from work, sits down in his favorite chair, turns on the TV, and says to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts.”
She looked a little puzzled, but brings him a beer. When he finished it, he says, “Quick, bring me another beer. It’s gonna start soon.”
This time she looked a little angry, but brings him a beer. When it was gone, he said, “Quick, another beer, it’s gonna start any second.”
She blows her top! “You ! You waltz in here, flop your fat a down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?”
The husband sighs and says, “Oh , it’s started."
|Sep 10, 2011, 11:04 PM|
First-year students at the OSU Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, “In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first thing is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal’s body.” For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. “Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the ass of the dead cow and then sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Life’s tough but it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
|Sep 13, 2011, 04:37 PM|
Why Men Wear Earrings:
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is
Curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him
To ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
(I always wondered how this trend got started)
|Sep 14, 2011, 09:31 AM|
USA, TX, Corinth
Joined Aug 2010
Two young brothers go into the corner store and get a box of Tampons. The get to the checkout and the manager asks the older boy his age. He tells him he is 8 years old. The manager asks him "Do you know what these are for?" and he replies "No, but there not for me, they are for him, pointing at his little brother. See we saw on TV you can swim and ride a bike with these, he's 4 and can't do either, yet.
|Sep 15, 2011, 01:08 PM|
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a
picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The
trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away So, it takes them
ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Roy give me the bottle opener"
"I didn't bring it" says Roy
"I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried,
He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it.
So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle
opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as
he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after
they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the
sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace.
20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are
starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still
isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it
any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about
to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts,
"I KNEW IT'...... NOW I'M DEFINITELY NOT GOING!"
|Sep 19, 2011, 03:33 AM|
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day watching the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough" more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take the ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness," said the teller. "And will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those aholes at Lowe's ever deliver the damned sheet rock..."
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