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Old Jun 25, 2011, 04:39 AM
That's my REAL name!
Graham Lane's Avatar
Italy, Umbria, Marsciano
Joined Jun 2011
141 Posts
Bear Warning

Due to the frequency of human-bear encounters, the Fish and Wildlife Department is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and any persons that use the out of doors in a recreational or work-related function to take extra precautions while in the field.

We advise the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advanced warning to any bears that might be close by so you don't take them by surprise.

We also advise anyone using the out of doors to carry "Pepper Spray" with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh bear activity, and be able to tell the difference between black bear faeces and grizzly bear faeces. Black bear faeces are smaller and contains berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear faeces have bells in it and smell like pepper.

Additionally, if you find yourself being pursued by a bear, you must be able to identify the bear to determine how much danger you are in.

To do this, we suggest you climb a tree. If the bear chases you up the tree, it's a black bear.

If the bear knocks the tree down, it's a grizzly bear.
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Old Jun 25, 2011, 03:52 PM
Registered User
Upvector's Avatar
Hamilton, CANADA
Joined Sep 2009
339 Posts
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A CANADIAN GIRL





Three friends married women from different parts of the world.



The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.



The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.



The third man married a girl from Canada. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.......
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Old Jun 26, 2011, 01:03 AM
Registered User
United States, AZ, Tucson
Joined Nov 2010
4,043 Posts
A USAF Airmen is taking a piss in a public urinal. Just after the Airman starts peeing a Marine walks up and starts peeing next to him. Moments later the Airman finishes up buttons up his pants and starts walking for the door. The Marine says "hey! in the Marines they teach us to wash our hands after we piss" The Airman chuckles a bit and replies "In the Air Force they teach us not to piss all over our hands"
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Old Jun 26, 2011, 10:19 AM
Don't look at me like that....
62pilot's Avatar
United States, AR, McDougal
Joined Aug 2005
2,798 Posts
I actually said that to a group of Mexicans in a road stop in Texas, I then ran for the truck yelling go go go.
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Old Jun 26, 2011, 07:09 PM
ein flugel schplinterizer
seanpcola's Avatar
USA, FL, Pensacola
Joined Sep 2004
5,079 Posts
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma
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Old Jun 27, 2011, 12:26 PM
Registered User
GWFAMI's Avatar
Kansas
Joined Jul 2005
182 Posts
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".
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Old Jun 27, 2011, 02:09 PM
Reserved Parking
P-51C's Avatar
Joined Jun 2004
926 Posts
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."
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Old Jun 27, 2011, 08:19 PM
Thermite + ice = Big boom.
boaterguy's Avatar
Canada, ON, Ottawa
Joined Apr 2009
2,275 Posts
Q: What is plural for Prius?
A: It doesn't exist, they just hoped to sell one.
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Old Jun 28, 2011, 01:16 PM
Reserved Parking
P-51C's Avatar
Joined Jun 2004
926 Posts
In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Guten Tag! Trink das wasser nicht. Die Kuehen haben darin geschissen."

Which means: ("Good day to you! Don't drink the water. The cows have s--t in it.")

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan.
I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands. You'll get more."
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Old Jun 30, 2011, 02:52 PM
kit
Registered User
USA
Joined Oct 2001
695 Posts
A lonely old widow of 70 put an ad in the personals saying....

"Wanted, a man of my age (70) who won't run away from me, or
won't beat me, and is still good in bed. Apply in person."

When her doorbell rang, she opened the door to see a man in a
wheel chair with no arms or legs. She said "Are you answering my ad?"

The man said yes. She said "But you have no legs." He said "So I
can't run away from you." She said "But you have no arms." He said
"So I won't be able to beat you." She asked "Are you still good in bed?"
With a smirk on his face he said "I rang your doorbell, didn't I ?"
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Old Jun 30, 2011, 08:12 PM
Try the Truth for a change
Bill Henley's Avatar
home on the range
Joined Apr 2007
183 Posts


Retirement
One day a man decided to retire...



He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.


He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.



After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sidesand stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum
of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted intoductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"




Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor
made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses.
"What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothingbut some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,

"We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?"
She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

*
*
*
*
"You've built a Golf Course?"















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Old Jun 30, 2011, 08:29 PM
Thermite + ice = Big boom.
boaterguy's Avatar
Canada, ON, Ottawa
Joined Apr 2009
2,275 Posts
Can I go into the simulator next?!!!
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Old Jun 30, 2011, 10:13 PM
Try the Truth for a change
Bill Henley's Avatar
home on the range
Joined Apr 2007
183 Posts
The room was full of expectant mothers and their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of their pregnancies.
She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
Then she looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments, a man named Marvin at the back of the room raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering... Would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
H.T. Tucson John
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Old Jul 02, 2011, 02:24 AM
Taking care of the pond.
MILLERTIME's Avatar
USA, CA, Fresno
Joined Apr 2004
7,301 Posts
There once was a pervert named Weiner
Who had a perverted demeanor
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one weiner leaner
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Old Jul 04, 2011, 07:55 AM
The original Flying Pigs Sqd.
Up&Away's Avatar
Netanya, Israel
Joined Aug 2002
10,007 Posts
A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.



Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:



To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: October 16, 2008



I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.



P.S. Fng hot down here!
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