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Old Jun 11, 2011, 04:34 PM
Its all fun
Tonystott's Avatar
Australia, NSW, Forster
Joined Oct 2004
7,148 Posts
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess" "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
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Old Jun 11, 2011, 04:37 PM
Its all fun
Tonystott's Avatar
Australia, NSW, Forster
Joined Oct 2004
7,148 Posts
An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning that t's on the way it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.""That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man."Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.""Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.""WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response."Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already messed my pants." Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
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Old Jun 11, 2011, 04:38 PM
Its all fun
Tonystott's Avatar
Australia, NSW, Forster
Joined Oct 2004
7,148 Posts
John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned." Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
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Old Jun 11, 2011, 04:39 PM
Its all fun
Tonystott's Avatar
Australia, NSW, Forster
Joined Oct 2004
7,148 Posts
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a policeman writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked jerk off. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a horse's arse, he finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I could only imagine what the owner of the car will think when he sees all the tickets.
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Old Jun 13, 2011, 12:20 AM
Not THAT Ira
Real Ira's Avatar
Coupeville, Wa
Joined Jan 2006
4,722 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonystott View Post
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess" "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
Now that is funny.
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Last edited by Real Ira; Jun 13, 2011 at 11:15 PM.
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Old Jun 13, 2011, 12:13 PM
Reserved Parking
P-51C's Avatar
Joined Jun 2004
926 Posts
An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the Gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...


He asked the trainer that was near by "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby".......
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Old Jun 13, 2011, 12:48 PM
ein flugel schplinterizer
seanpcola's Avatar
USA, FL, Pensacola
Joined Sep 2004
5,036 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by P-51C View Post
An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the Gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...


He asked the trainer that was near by "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby".......
Awesome!
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Old Jun 13, 2011, 10:40 PM
Its all fun
Tonystott's Avatar
Australia, NSW, Forster
Joined Oct 2004
7,148 Posts
More Steve Wright gems
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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Old Jun 14, 2011, 09:41 PM
David Drowns
Mig Man's Avatar
Southern California
Joined Nov 2010
137 Posts
Thanks Tony.

I borrowed [2] your research [29]
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Old Jun 17, 2011, 10:52 PM
Where's that free gas heat ?
Chophop's Avatar
Pleasant Valley Modelport
Joined Sep 2006
8,548 Posts
A shy guy bought a bird and when he got home realized he forgot birdseed. So he went back and in his shy voice asked for some. The owner said I can't hear you . What do you want ? Speak up.
The shy one still could not speak loudly enough to ask. So after practicing for over a week, he brings the bird back to the shop and yells :

HEY MISTER ! DO YOU STUFF BIRDS ? The owner says yes I do ! The buyer yells WELL STUFF THIS ONE UP YOUR BEHIND. IT'S DEAD !
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Old Jun 19, 2011, 04:11 PM
Obee
Joined Oct 2006
125 Posts
Diarrhea has been proven to be hereditary.




It runs in your jeans.
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Old Jun 25, 2011, 02:32 AM
That's my REAL name!
Graham Lane's Avatar
Italy, Umbria, Marsciano
Joined Jun 2011
141 Posts
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the
repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.

Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail
you a check.

Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog.
He won't bother you.

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,
talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following
day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has
ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on
the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and
yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied,

"Get him, Spike!"
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Old Jun 25, 2011, 02:34 AM
That's my REAL name!
Graham Lane's Avatar
Italy, Umbria, Marsciano
Joined Jun 2011
141 Posts
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to
a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch
as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective
seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the
door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,
"Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the
engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever
with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they
buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one
perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a
restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and
walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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Old Jun 25, 2011, 02:36 AM
That's my REAL name!
Graham Lane's Avatar
Italy, Umbria, Marsciano
Joined Jun 2011
141 Posts
The sweetest little girl, dressed in pink, walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."
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Old Jun 25, 2011, 04:37 AM
That's my REAL name!
Graham Lane's Avatar
Italy, Umbria, Marsciano
Joined Jun 2011
141 Posts
MERRY XMAS EVERYONE (a bit early!)

Christmas Cake recipe!!

Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Nuts
* 2 bottles wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat. Go to Tesco and buy cake.

Bingle Jells!
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