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Old Jul 12, 2009, 03:55 PM
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Pudknocker71's Avatar
Debary, Fl.
Joined Oct 2007
2,312 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by MILLERTIME
Mouse Balls & Mouse Ball inspector

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
I actually had a hard copy of that memo several years ago.
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Old Jul 13, 2009, 06:20 PM
Ranfred Radius's Avatar
Central Point, OR.
Joined May 2002
2,922 Posts
Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.



The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo. It means someone stole the tent!
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Old Jul 13, 2009, 10:48 PM
3D Soon-To-Be....
Marcinb's Avatar
Chicago
Joined Apr 2008
797 Posts
Two muffins are in an oven.
One muffin goes "Jeez it's hot in here"
The second one goes "Holy crap a talking muffin!!"
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Old Jul 14, 2009, 03:26 PM
Taking care of the pond.
MILLERTIME's Avatar
USA, CA, Fresno
Joined Apr 2004
7,252 Posts
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these
implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I
pulled the trigger.
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Old Jul 14, 2009, 05:04 PM
Registered User
Adelaide, South Australia
Joined Jan 2009
44 Posts
Obviously nothing in between to damage.
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Old Jul 15, 2009, 10:21 PM
Taking care of the pond.
MILLERTIME's Avatar
USA, CA, Fresno
Joined Apr 2004
7,252 Posts
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville
Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put
$1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the
church."

The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno ."
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Old Jul 15, 2009, 11:12 PM
3D Soon-To-Be....
Marcinb's Avatar
Chicago
Joined Apr 2008
797 Posts
Three guys walk into a bar, a bystander goes "Ouch that musta hurt"
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Old Jul 16, 2009, 12:18 AM
Registered User
Joined Apr 2007
198 Posts
A blind snake and a blind bunny are taking a stroll through the forest. They are both blind, and because they could not see each other, they collide. the snake says to the bunny "Oh I'm sorry, I'm blind and could not see you." The bunny replies the same thing. Then, the snake says "based on the collision and what it felt like, I bet I can tell what you are. You had a fluffy tail, soft fur, and long ears. I guess you are a bunny." The bunny replies "Correct. Now, what I felt when colliding with you was slimy, had no bones, brains, or balls. You must be French."
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Old Jul 16, 2009, 05:49 AM
Its all fun
Tonystott's Avatar
Australia, NSW, Forster
Joined Oct 2004
7,093 Posts
Brilliant! Happy 14th July to you as well! (Bastille Day )
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Old Jul 16, 2009, 02:11 PM
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Deutschland, Nordrhein-Westfalen, Geilenkirchen
Joined Aug 2007
772 Posts
Scientists just found out, that the word "vegetarian" has an Indian origin. In an Indian language it has the meaning of "too stupid for hunting".


Udo
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Old Jul 16, 2009, 02:18 PM
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Deutschland, Nordrhein-Westfalen, Geilenkirchen
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"Here is the answering machine of the special clinic for Tinnitus patients. Please leave a message after the beeeeeeep."


Udo
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Old Jul 16, 2009, 02:24 PM
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Deutschland, Nordrhein-Westfalen, Geilenkirchen
Joined Aug 2007
772 Posts
Two old ladies referring to old times:

"When I was young, I had to undress completely whenever I went to see the doctor. Nowadays he only want to see my tongue."

The other replied:

"Isn't it astounding, what a big medical improvement they made?"

Udo
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Old Jul 16, 2009, 05:36 PM
Mach 1
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walterboro s.c.u.s.a
Joined Jun 2004
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'Gentlemen',you can't fight in here, this a war room
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Old Jul 17, 2009, 12:48 AM
Taking care of the pond.
MILLERTIME's Avatar
USA, CA, Fresno
Joined Apr 2004
7,252 Posts
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.... I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. A blond friend saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' she asked? 'Why, that is a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied. Her friend inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blonde haired girl replied...'Two popsicles and a cup of coffee.'
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Old Jul 17, 2009, 10:03 AM
Registered User
Adelaide, South Australia
Joined Jan 2009
44 Posts
Camping the Aussie way

Mick attended his 4 wheel drive clubs monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming annual Innamincka trip because his missus wouldn't let him go.

After copping "the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks" Mick left to go back home to the missus.



Later when Mick's mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka common the following week, who should be there but Mick sitting up in front of the Cooper , swag rolled out , fishing rod in hand, and the camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.



"Geez how did ya talk ya missus into letting you come here Mick?" they asked

"I didn't have to," was Mick's reply, "When I left the meeting last week I went home disappointed and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Suddenly the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'.



"When I peeled her hands back there she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want."







SO HERE I AM
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