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Old Jan 30, 2010, 10:09 AM
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United States, SC, West Columbia
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Billymac View Post
The Dept of Defense briefed the president this morning.

They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq .

To everyone's surprise, he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'

This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.
i have heard that before. he is out of his head with healthcare reform. ok- back on subject.
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Old Feb 01, 2010, 09:14 AM
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Joined Oct 2007
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MURDER AT WAL-MART....





Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000..

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor. The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.


However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.


Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared.


(You're going to hate me for this... )







.

.

.

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'
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Old Feb 01, 2010, 07:59 PM
semper mitis
gentle ben's Avatar
Paducah, Kentucky
Joined Nov 2004
983 Posts
Oldie but goldie

An old pilot dressed in his Eisenhower jacket with all his ribbons sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the old pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"

The old pilot replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Cessna's, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so, Yes, I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?"


She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, "are you a real pilot?"

The old pilot replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
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Old Feb 02, 2010, 12:34 AM
Laughs at his own jokes.
IwantaJet's Avatar
Missoula, Montana, United States
Joined Feb 2002
1,168 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by Billymac View Post
The Dept of Defense briefed the president this morning.

They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq .

To everyone's surprise, he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'

This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.
Sorry, it's an old George Bush joke. It's probably been told about lots of Presidents, Prime Ministers, Kings and other Idiots In Charge. I guess it always works.
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Old Feb 02, 2010, 01:49 AM
Taking care of the pond.
MILLERTIME's Avatar
United States, CA, Sanger
Joined Apr 2004
7,372 Posts
The guys were all at a deer camp.


No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him

the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and came to breakfast the next

morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.They said,
"Man, what happened to you?"He said, "Bob snored so loudly,
I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning,
same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.They said,
"So, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said,
'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him
all night."

The third night was Fred's turn.. Fred was a tanned, older
cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast

bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.


They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,
"Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,

patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night...
Bob sat up and watched me all night."
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Old Feb 02, 2010, 11:00 AM
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microflitedude's Avatar
United States, SC, West Columbia
Joined Oct 2009
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Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahhahahaahahhaahhahaha hahaaaaa!
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Old Feb 02, 2010, 11:08 AM
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Pudknocker71's Avatar
Debary, Fl.
Joined Oct 2007
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I come in here in the morning and catch up on a good joke...I let out a Buhahahaha....wife is getting concerned about my evil laugh. :P
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Old Feb 02, 2010, 08:33 PM
Don't look at me like that....
62pilot's Avatar
United States, AR, McDougal
Joined Aug 2005
2,801 Posts
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The nav replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the nav replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
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Old Feb 03, 2010, 01:41 AM
Taking care of the pond.
MILLERTIME's Avatar
United States, CA, Sanger
Joined Apr 2004
7,372 Posts
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
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Old Feb 06, 2010, 06:02 PM
Don't look at me like that....
62pilot's Avatar
United States, AR, McDougal
Joined Aug 2005
2,801 Posts
A young man asked his girlfreinds father for her hand in marriage.

The father asked the boy, Are you going to be able to make my daughter happy ?

The young man replied, Sure am, you should have seen her last night in the back seat of my car.
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Old Feb 08, 2010, 11:05 AM
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I've got the funniest joke I've read in a long time sitting on my computer and I can't post it. It will certinly get me a warning.

If you want a copy send me a pm with your E-mail address and I'll send it too you.

This joke is too big for a PM.
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Last edited by Pudknocker71; Feb 08, 2010 at 01:48 PM. Reason: Change instructions.
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Old Feb 08, 2010, 03:56 PM
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If one of you guys I've sent it to wants to post it go ahead. Doubt it'll last long though. :P

EDIT....

WELL...Anybody like it that I sent it too?
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Last edited by Pudknocker71; Feb 08, 2010 at 07:43 PM.
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Old Feb 08, 2010, 10:17 PM
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microflitedude's Avatar
United States, SC, West Columbia
Joined Oct 2009
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pudknocker71 View Post
I've got the funniest joke I've read in a long time sitting on my computer and I can't post it. It will certinly get me a warning.

If you want a copy send me a pm with your E-mail address and I'll send it too you.

This joke is too big for a PM.
Sure it's to big for a PM? is there a limit on text? Because you never know who your giving your E-mail to...
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Old Feb 09, 2010, 05:38 AM
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Debary, Fl.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by microflitedude View Post
Sure it's to big for a PM? is there a limit on text? Because you never know who your giving your E-mail to...
Ya....PM field is limited to 1000 characters. This joke is almost 5000. Minus spacing I suspect it would still be over 1000. Number of people I can send it too at one time is limited to 2 people also. PM service here sucks.
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Old Feb 09, 2010, 06:05 AM
The original Flying Pigs Sqd.
Up&Away's Avatar
Netanya, Israel
Joined Aug 2002
10,089 Posts
It's a good one though...

Although I must admit that while reading, in the back of my mind I was going "hang on, I learned about this in Biology class 40+ years ago..."
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