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Old Jul 04, 2009, 12:26 PM
Its all fun
Tonystott's Avatar
Australia, NSW, Forster
Joined Oct 2004
7,151 Posts
The woman met her best friend for coffee, and the friend noticed that she was completely decked out in lovely new clothes.

"How did you get the budget for the clothes?"

"It was easy really, I just left my knickers off, and my husband asked me why. I told him that my wardrobe was falling to bits from old age, and none of my knickers were wearable any more. So he gave me $500 and suggested I go out and refresh my wardrobe".

"What a cool idea, I think I'll try that as well".

They met a few weeks later, but the friend was still in her old clothes..

"What happened when you tried the idea out"

"My husband thought a bit, and then gave me $2 and said "Well at least buy a comb to keep yourself looking tidy""
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Old Jul 04, 2009, 12:45 PM
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udogigahertz's Avatar
Deutschland, Nordrhein-Westfalen, Geilenkirchen
Joined Aug 2007
772 Posts
An American and an Italian meet each other in a pub.

The American: "Give me a hammer and I will build you an aircraft carrier."

The Italian: "Give me your daughter and I will make you the crew for it."


Udo
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Old Jul 04, 2009, 02:13 PM
Registered User
Adelaide, South Australia
Joined Jan 2009
44 Posts
Write your own ending

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeronca52
"The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp."

You didn't finish it.....You will always have a limp what?

Do not want to push the friendship with the Ninjas.
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Old Jul 05, 2009, 12:44 AM
Registered User
central AZ
Joined May 2002
1,292 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pudknocker71
...
That, good sir, is the one!!!
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Old Jul 05, 2009, 10:12 AM
Registered User
Pudknocker71's Avatar
Debary, Fl.
Joined Oct 2007
2,314 Posts
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course , child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and
I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest fac e, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
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Old Jul 05, 2009, 10:00 PM
Go Navy!
maverick06's Avatar
USA, PA, Media
Joined Apr 2005
905 Posts
why doesnt have any good olympic athletes?


Because if you can run, jump, or swim, they are in the US.....
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Old Jul 06, 2009, 08:02 AM
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GWFAMI's Avatar
Kansas
Joined Jul 2005
182 Posts
Dang you knife, now I'm going to have nightmares

Quote:
Originally Posted by KnifeEdge51
That, good sir, is the one!!!
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Old Jul 06, 2009, 04:31 PM
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Pudknocker71's Avatar
Debary, Fl.
Joined Oct 2007
2,314 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by GWFAMI
Dang you knife, now I'm going to have nightmares
HEY! You've falsely accuse the wrong man! I'M the one who is going to give you nightmares! I posted the photo and take full responsibility.
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Old Jul 06, 2009, 05:05 PM
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GWFAMI's Avatar
Kansas
Joined Jul 2005
182 Posts
Hmm,

Pudknocker71=KnifeEdge51..., perhaps

Pudknocker71=KnifeEdge51=TheNinja?

You've already given me nightmares, but the therapy is working.

I, without a doubt, do extend, not retract, with minor reservations, the penultimate umbra of lugubrious and most dissolute makeshift requital for your implication that I have perfidiously and mendaciously inculpated the sophistical member of this group.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pudknocker71
HEY! You've falsely accuse the wrong man! I'M the one who is going to give you nightmares! I posted the photo and take full responsibility.
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Old Jul 07, 2009, 04:23 AM
Registered User
central AZ
Joined May 2002
1,292 Posts
Hahaha, me,? The Ninja? No way! I get a huge kick out of browsing the Funny Photos thread at work each day! My day would be totally boring and incomplete without it.
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Old Jul 07, 2009, 06:29 PM
Registered User
Pudknocker71's Avatar
Debary, Fl.
Joined Oct 2007
2,314 Posts
Not a joke...just wanted to post somewhere...

This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there
must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!






PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER





ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER





DESPERATION:


When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT





THE EYES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE






GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE






THE MORSE CODE
:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS





DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME






ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY





ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT






SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S






A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE






THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE





ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE







AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:




MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER



Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS


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Old Jul 07, 2009, 08:58 PM
Don't look at me like that....
62pilot's Avatar
United States, AR, McDougal
Joined Aug 2005
2,798 Posts
A salesman was sitting in his office one day when his co-worker came in.

" Hey, remember last fall when we went on that trip to Kentucky ?"

"Yea" the guy replied.

"Well," his buddy said " Remember that rich old ladies farmhouse we stayed in when our car broke down? "

"Yea"

"By any chance , did you sneak off to her room and make love to her ?"

This time the salesman in getting worried " Yep"

" And did you give her My name, instead of yours ?"

"Yes"

" Well, she just died and left me everything ..."
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Old Jul 09, 2009, 09:50 AM
Registered User
RPjQa8XeUNA5vX's Avatar
Joined Apr 2008
9 Posts
...
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Last edited by RPjQa8XeUNA5vX; Jul 09, 2009 at 01:04 PM.
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Old Jul 10, 2009, 09:31 AM
Its all fun
Tonystott's Avatar
Australia, NSW, Forster
Joined Oct 2004
7,151 Posts
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word..
An earlier discussion had led to an argument andneither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain . God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee..."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"


The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
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Old Jul 12, 2009, 03:26 PM
Taking care of the pond.
MILLERTIME's Avatar
USA, CA, Fresno
Joined Apr 2004
7,278 Posts
Mouse Balls & Mouse Ball inspector

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
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