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Old Feb 11, 2013, 03:41 AM
Taking care of the pond.
MILLERTIME's Avatar
United States, CA, Sanger
Joined Apr 2004
7,369 Posts
Should children witness childbirth? Good question…Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby........Very diligently, 3-yr old Kathleen did as she was asked. The mom pushed and pushed and after a while, little Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry......... and everyone smiled.

The paramedic then thanked little Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed…

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....spank him again!'
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Old Feb 11, 2013, 07:56 PM
Howdie Doo Dat ?
Chophop's Avatar
Pleasant Valley Modelport
Joined Sep 2006
8,942 Posts
A mime is a terrible thing to taste !
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Old Feb 11, 2013, 08:00 PM
Registered User
Joined Jul 2008
1,822 Posts
Tobasco will fix that.
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Old Feb 11, 2013, 10:37 PM
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Ron H's Avatar
Bishopville S.C.
Joined May 2003
4,072 Posts
I'll show you mines if you show me urine.
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Old Feb 12, 2013, 06:34 PM
Vertical Arrival Specialist
clinth01's Avatar
Townsville, Australia
Joined Sep 2009
319 Posts
As my hero, Homer Simpson says, "It's funny 'cause it's true".

SCHOOL - 1957 vs. 2012

Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.


1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2012 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes.

Scenario :
Robbie won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.


1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2012 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's house and his Dad gives him a hiding with his belt.


1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2012 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.


1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2012- Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Car and home searched for drugs and weapons. All his friends are on a watch list with the local police.


Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest.


1957 - Wasps die.

2012- Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during morning break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.


1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2012- Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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Old Feb 12, 2013, 09:12 PM
Culper Junior
eastern pa
Joined Feb 2007
2,272 Posts
A lawyer boarded an airplane with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think!
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Old Feb 13, 2013, 08:20 PM
Registered User
Joined Jul 2008
1,822 Posts
1957 Vs. 2012

Scenario Johnny and Mark play on baseball teams after school, Johnny practices a lot and puts effort into learning the game Mark just shows up.

1957 – Johnny gets a trophy for his skills, Mark learns a lesson.

2012- Johnny and Mark both get trophies because everyone wins, they both learn a lesson about the value of hard work.
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Old Feb 13, 2013, 09:06 PM
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Ron H's Avatar
Bishopville S.C.
Joined May 2003
4,072 Posts
Kids shouldn't be forced or allowed to behave in such a manner. They should only discuss their feelings about baseball and get a trophy for that.
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Old Feb 13, 2013, 10:02 PM
Culper Junior
eastern pa
Joined Feb 2007
2,272 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ron H View Post
Kids shouldn't be forced or allowed to behave in such a manner. They should only discuss their feelings about baseball and get a trophy for that.
And they shouldn't be required to go outside in the harsh sunshine.
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Old Feb 14, 2013, 04:09 PM
Howdie Doo Dat ?
Chophop's Avatar
Pleasant Valley Modelport
Joined Sep 2006
8,942 Posts
Unofficial Night Flight Engine-out Procedure :

Head for a black area. Lights mean buildings and poles.
When you sense you are near the ground, turn the landing light on.
If what you see scares you badly because it is unsuitable for landing in,
turn the landing light off.

Old pilot's tales
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Old Feb 14, 2013, 05:28 PM
Figure Nine Champ
madsci_guy's Avatar
North Texas
Joined Nov 2002
1,291 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chophop View Post
Head for a black area. Lights mean buildings and poles.
Or black means a lake.

Quote:
If what you see scares you badly because it is unsuitable for landing in,
turn the landing light off.
A light aircraft's landing light gives you a spot on the runway, only when you are actually landing. It's a "time to flare" indicator, that's all.
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Old Feb 14, 2013, 07:10 PM
Its all fun
Tonystott's Avatar
Australia, NSW, Forster
Joined Oct 2004
7,210 Posts
Woosh! Humor bypass alert!
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Old Feb 14, 2013, 07:11 PM
Its all fun
Tonystott's Avatar
Australia, NSW, Forster
Joined Oct 2004
7,210 Posts
A few more funnies

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend. I said, "What's going on?"
"You tell me?" replied my wife. I said, "I don't know, you're sitting on the sofa with a complete stranger." "A stranger, hey?" shouted my girlfriend, "I'm no stranger, we've been having sex for six months!" I looked at my wife and said, "Is this true?"

A woman was taking a nap on Valentine’s Day afternoon. After she awoke, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a gorgeous and expensive diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day! What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight,” he said.
That evening, her husband came home with a small package for her. Thrilled, she opened it and found a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending. " He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill? " The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license? " The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license? " The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license? " Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from? " The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME! "

A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello? "Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home? "
"Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him? " the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No. "Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there? "Yes," came the answer. "May I talk with her? "Again the small voice whispered, "No. "Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you? " the boss asked the child. "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman. "Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman? "
"No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what? " asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise? " "A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there? " asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper. "Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for? "Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "Me. "
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Old Feb 15, 2013, 11:32 AM
Figure Nine Champ
madsci_guy's Avatar
North Texas
Joined Nov 2002
1,291 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonystott View Post
Woosh! Humor bypass alert!
Those are pilot in-jokes. Sorry that you didn't get them.
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Old Feb 15, 2013, 02:46 PM
Registered User
stormysrider's Avatar
Australia, QLD, Numinbah Valley
Joined May 2011
114 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by madsci_guy View Post
Or black means a lake.

A light aircraft's landing light gives you a spot on the runway, only when you are actually landing. It's a "time to flare" indicator, that's all.
Guess that depends on the aircraft you are flying and the light set up doesn't i!!! I know of at least I C208 that has VERY effective landing lights on very dark nights..

But I think he was just joking.
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