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Old Jan 03, 2013, 09:40 PM
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Billymac's Avatar
United States, FL, Jacksonville
Joined Sep 2005
634 Posts
BUBBA AND BILLY BOB

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta , and they see a
sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! , shirts $2.00 each,
trousers $2.50 each. "

Bubba says to his pal, " Billy Bob , look here! We could buy a whole gob of
these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain , sell 'em to our friends, and make a
fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent,
they might think we're igorant and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now,
I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama ."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of
them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs
of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama , ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry cleaners"
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Old Jan 03, 2013, 09:43 PM
Registered User
Billymac's Avatar
United States, FL, Jacksonville
Joined Sep 2005
634 Posts
Dear Abby,



My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims.. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?



Signed, Lost





Dear Lost,



Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the idiot for 4 more years.



Signed, Abby
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Old Jan 04, 2013, 07:01 AM
ein flugel schplinterizer
seanpcola's Avatar
USA, FL, Pensacola
Joined Sep 2004
5,076 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by Billymac View Post
Dear Abby,



My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims.. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?



Signed, Lost





Dear Lost,



Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the idiot for 4 more years.



Signed, Abby
The funniest jokes always have a large element of truth.
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Old Jan 04, 2013, 08:39 AM
Don't look at me like that....
62pilot's Avatar
United States, AR, McDougal
Joined Aug 2005
2,798 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by Billymac View Post
Dear Abby,



My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims.. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?



Signed, Lost





Dear Lost,



Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the idiot for 4 more years.



Signed, Abby
Jokes are funnier if they reflect the real world.

This one is below 0 on the funny meter.
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Old Jan 04, 2013, 08:45 PM
no no no, a music gig
Chophop's Avatar
Pleasant Valley Modelport
Joined Sep 2006
8,620 Posts
What's worse than shrimp on your piano ?
A newt on your flute.
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Old Jan 05, 2013, 11:28 AM
Its all fun
Tonystott's Avatar
Australia, NSW, Forster
Joined Oct 2004
7,162 Posts
THE
NEXT SURVIVOR
SERIES
Six married men
Will be dropped on an island With one car
And 3 kids each
For six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports
And take either music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must
Take care of his 3 kids;
Keep his assigned house clean,
Correct all homework,
Complete science projects,
Cook

Do laundry,
And pay a list of 'pretend' bills
With not enough money.

In addition,
Each man
Will have to budget enough money
For groceries each week.

Each man
Must remember the birthdays
Of all their friends and relatives,
And send cards out on time--no Emailing.

Each man must also take each child
To a doctor's appointment,
A dentist appointment
And a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and
Inconvenient visit per child to the Emergency Room.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes
For a school function.

Each man will be responsible for
Decorating his own assigned house,
Planting flowers outside, and keeping it
Presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television
When the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs,

Wear makeup daily,

Adorn themselves with jewelry,

Wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,

Keep fingernails polished,

And eyebrows groomed

During one of the six weeks,

The men will have to endure severe
Abdominal cramps, backaches, headaches,
Have extreme, unexplained mood swings
But never once complain or slow down
From other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings
And find time at least once to spend
The afternoon at the park or a similar
Setting.


They will need to read a book to the kids each night
And in the morning,
Feed them,
Dress them,
Brush their teeth and
Comb their hair
By 7:30 am.


A test will be given
At the end of the six weeks,
And each father will be required to know
All of the following information:
Each child's
Birthday,
Height, weight,
Shoe size, clothes size,
Doctor's' name,
The child's weight at birth,
Length, time of birth,
And length of labor,
Each child's favorite color,
Middle name,
Favorite snack,
Favorite song,
Favorite drink,
Favorite toy,
Biggest fear,
And what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if...
He still
Has enough energy
To be intimate with his spouse
At a moment's notice.


If the last man does win,
He can play the game over and over and over
Again for the next 18-25 years,
Eventually earning the right
To be called Mother!
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Old Jan 05, 2013, 12:48 PM
ein flugel schplinterizer
seanpcola's Avatar
USA, FL, Pensacola
Joined Sep 2004
5,076 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by 62pilot View Post
Jokes are funnier if they reflect the real world.

This one is below 0 on the funny meter.
You're right. This one ain't nearly as funny as the joke in the Whitehouse.
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Old Jan 05, 2013, 11:15 PM
Its all fun
Tonystott's Avatar
Australia, NSW, Forster
Joined Oct 2004
7,162 Posts
Strange how he is as popular as Ike etc. Maybe you are in the minority
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Old Jan 06, 2013, 05:01 AM
Vertical Arrival Specialist
clinth01's Avatar
Townsville, Australia
Joined Sep 2009
319 Posts
Guys

Always remember that posting on here is like mingling with newly-met people at a party. Politics and religion are probably not the best things to discuss. People can get really weird when you make jokes about those topics, and this is supposed to be a humour-based area

Tonystott
Remember, we're 14 thousand kilometres from the US, and all that we think we know about what goes on over there is what the journalists decide to tell us. Journalists aren't paid to tell the truth, they're paid to sell newspapers, or to promote visits to web sites. Based on that, who knows what they think about the silly bint that we have running the show over here
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Old Jan 06, 2013, 09:47 AM
The original Flying Pigs Sqd.
Up&Away's Avatar
Netanya, Israel
Joined Aug 2002
10,002 Posts
C'mon guys, this is not LTUP.
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Old Jan 06, 2013, 01:13 PM
Culper Junior
eastern pa
Joined Feb 2007
2,198 Posts
With the Pennsylvania Farm Show in full swing this week I thought this appropriate......

An agricultural salesman is visiting a farm with a view to flogging a new type of combine harvester. "No, sorry son," says the farmer, "my pig takes care of all the harvesting - I have no need for your fancy gizmo." "Could save you money in the
long-term" tries the salesman. "No, your combine would never match my pig's productivity - you should see him go - swishing away with that scythe." The salesman is intrigued about this pig and asks to see the creature. The farmer leads the
salesman to an enclosure. Standing within - tall and proud - is the most magnificent pig the salesman has ever seen. But the pig has got a wooden leg. "That sure is an impressive pig, sir, but why's he got a wooden leg?" asks the salesman. "This
pig is more than 'impressive' mister - I'm sure he's unique! Do you know he can also drive the tractor!?" "Really? But why's he got a wooden leg?" "He drives our children to school and back!! - even helps them with their homework!!" "I'm
impressed" admits the salesman, "but why the wooden leg?" "THIS PIG is also a leading authority on organic farming; thanks to him we've managed to branch out, and now our revenue is higher than that of any other farm in this county!! "Yeah,
yeah!! You've got one hell of a pig - I can see that by just looking at him - but why does it have a wooden leg!?" Insists the salesman. "Did I mention the publishing deals? This pig's just written a best seller - we're going to be even richer now!!"
"Amazing, truly amazing - but why the WOODEN LEG!!!!!!!!!!" The farmer looks admiringly at his pig and then turns to the salesman: Son, with a pig like this - you just DON'T eat him all at once."

-----
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Old Jan 06, 2013, 04:08 PM
Don't look at me like that....
62pilot's Avatar
United States, AR, McDougal
Joined Aug 2005
2,798 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by clinth01 View Post
Guys

Always remember that posting on here is like mingling with newly-met people at a party. Politics and religion are probably not the best things to discuss. People can get really weird when you make jokes about those topics, and this is supposed to be a humour-based area

But our Government has been a joke ever since Cousin Bill left office, maby even before that.
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Old Jan 06, 2013, 06:43 PM
Registered User
Billymac's Avatar
United States, FL, Jacksonville
Joined Sep 2005
634 Posts
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those talley whacker enlargers, so I did. She's 21, and her name's Judy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening." Then the fight started.

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.
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Old Jan 06, 2013, 06:46 PM
Vertical Arrival Specialist
clinth01's Avatar
Townsville, Australia
Joined Sep 2009
319 Posts
That may be true 62pilot, but I'm just a simple bloke, and pondering politics just makes my head hurt and sends me to the fridge for another beer. I'm having enough problems wondering why so many of you think that stashing semi-automatic handguns and assault rifles in the wardrobe is a good idea, much less whether all the politicians should be lined up on the edge of the fiscal cliff and then be given a good firm push over the edge

If you ever decide that my option with the politicians is a good idea, let me know and I'll try to organise sending all of ours over to you for round 2.

Starting with a clean slate would probably do both our countries the world of good
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Old Jan 06, 2013, 06:50 PM
Registered User
Billymac's Avatar
United States, FL, Jacksonville
Joined Sep 2005
634 Posts
A reporter asks Bill Clinton, "How's Hillary's head?"



"We'll, she's no Monica."
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