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Old Nov 08, 2012, 12:43 AM
Vertical Arrival Specialist
clinth01's Avatar
Townsville, Australia
Joined Sep 2009
319 Posts
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
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Old Nov 08, 2012, 01:41 AM
The original Flying Pigs Sqd.
Up&Away's Avatar
Netanya, Israel
Joined Aug 2002
10,091 Posts
A French actress living in the US, visits a gyneacologist. During the examination he keeps some small talk going about a France.
"Did you have a checkup there?"
A moment silence.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"No, but I had some Hungarians..."
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Old Nov 08, 2012, 01:48 AM
Howdie Doo Dat ?
Chophop's Avatar
Pleasant Valley Modelport
Joined Sep 2006
8,945 Posts
Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.
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Old Nov 09, 2012, 11:35 AM
Taking care of the pond.
MILLERTIME's Avatar
United States, CA, Sanger
Joined Apr 2004
7,372 Posts
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'


His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.


The next morning the husband took a pair of his underwear out of his drawer.. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'Cathy', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!
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Old Nov 09, 2012, 10:56 PM
Culper Junior
eastern pa
Joined Feb 2007
2,272 Posts
'MISTER SPOCK! What is that floating in the hopper??'


'Looks like the Captain's log, Sir.'
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Old Nov 10, 2012, 10:32 AM
Registered User
GWFAMI's Avatar
Kansas
Joined Jul 2005
182 Posts
Almost 50 years old, and still find juvenile scatological humor funny.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeronca52 View Post
'MISTER SPOCK! What is that floating in the hopper??'


'Looks like the Captain's log, Sir.'
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Old Nov 10, 2012, 06:47 PM
Not THAT Ira
Real Ira's Avatar
Coupeville, Wa
Joined Jan 2006
4,722 Posts
What do the Starship Enterprise and a wad of toilet paper have in common?









The both circle Uranus looking for Clingons.
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Old Nov 11, 2012, 01:10 AM
Taking care of the pond.
MILLERTIME's Avatar
United States, CA, Sanger
Joined Apr 2004
7,372 Posts
They both circle around Uranus and wipe out the Klingons.
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Old Nov 11, 2012, 01:12 AM
Taking care of the pond.
MILLERTIME's Avatar
United States, CA, Sanger
Joined Apr 2004
7,372 Posts
TEXAS TURKEY RECIPE

I thought this sounded good! Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient -- imagine that. When I found
this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give
this a try.

Turkey Recipe

8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good)
1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT IS BEST)
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt,
and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan making sure the
neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.

After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.

When the turkey's butt blows the oven door open and the bird flies across
the room,.... it's done.
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Old Nov 11, 2012, 11:09 AM
Registered User
Joined Jul 2008
1,822 Posts
There is an innate wisdom and practicality with country folks, think it will it work in a deep fryer if you put the bird in upside down? Maybe it would work like the Mentos and Diet Coke thing, at work the next day you could brag who’s Turkey shot the highest.
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Old Nov 11, 2012, 11:36 AM
Registered User
Ron H's Avatar
Bishopville S.C.
Joined May 2003
4,072 Posts
I've heard a deep fried turkey stuffed with a diet coke and mentos is the bomb!
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Old Nov 11, 2012, 05:29 PM
Culper Junior
eastern pa
Joined Feb 2007
2,272 Posts
Remember Burns and Allen? Ok so you don't.
For you youngsters Gracie Allen once said the best way to cook a roast is to buy a big one and a small one. Put them both in the oven at the same time, when the small one is burnt, the big one is done.
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Old Nov 11, 2012, 05:33 PM
Culper Junior
eastern pa
Joined Feb 2007
2,272 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by GWFAMI View Post
Almost 50 years old, and still find juvenile scatological humor funny.
Ha ha, you're making fun of yourse.....wait....are you making fun of me?? Cause I'm older than that.
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Old Nov 11, 2012, 05:46 PM
Howdie Doo Dat ?
Chophop's Avatar
Pleasant Valley Modelport
Joined Sep 2006
8,945 Posts
Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The first man finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands ... clear up to his elbows ... He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented: "I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be clean."

The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door he had a smirk on his face and said: "I don't know about you guys, but where I went to college, they taught us not to spray on our hands."
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Old Nov 11, 2012, 06:45 PM
Registered User
Phil G's Avatar
United States, GA, Tucker
Joined Apr 2000
353 Posts
Three men walk into the bathroom to pee.

An Engineer, a Chemist, and a Scientist.

How can you tell which one is the Chemist?

He's the one that washes his hands before hand.

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