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Old Sep 03, 2012, 01:53 PM
free bird
Mickey D's Avatar
South Africa, GP, Johannesburg
Joined Aug 2011
169 Posts
Those are all good Chris! I should bookmark this page
Edit:
Darn I mean the previous page
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Old Sep 08, 2012, 05:07 PM
free bird
Mickey D's Avatar
South Africa, GP, Johannesburg
Joined Aug 2011
169 Posts
just found this one (copied and paste)

A guy got chatting to a girl in a club:
"Can I buy you a drink he asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago." he assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love . While he was putting his clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
He said, "My wife found out"
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Old Sep 16, 2012, 11:21 PM
Vertical Arrival Specialist
clinth01's Avatar
Townsville, Australia
Joined Sep 2009
319 Posts
CATHOLIC HORSES

A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ..

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my life savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants. You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'
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Old Sep 17, 2012, 08:29 PM
Culper Junior
eastern pa
Joined Feb 2007
2,186 Posts
Cheezy pickup lines

If you were a laser you would be set on 'stunning'

I'm jealous of your lipstick.

That outfit of yours would look real good on the floor next to my bed.
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Old Sep 17, 2012, 10:42 PM
no no no, a music gig
Chophop's Avatar
Pleasant Valley Modelport
Joined Sep 2006
8,556 Posts
You must have stolen everyone's good looks and put them all on you, works.
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Old Sep 17, 2012, 11:18 PM
I think I'm inverted. Maybe.
acetech09's Avatar
United States, CA, Pacifica
Joined Apr 2012
1,509 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by aeronca52 View Post
Cheezy pickup lines

If you were a laser you would be set on 'stunning'

I'm jealous of your lipstick.

That outfit of yours would look real good on the floor next to my bed.
Is there a mirror in your pants? I can see myself in them.
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Old Sep 18, 2012, 01:08 AM
Taking care of the pond.
MILLERTIME's Avatar
USA, CA, Fresno
Joined Apr 2004
7,279 Posts
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.


He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"


"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"


Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"


There was dead silence on the line for a long moment....... Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
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Old Sep 18, 2012, 10:26 AM
Registered User
sjgusmc21's Avatar
Lorton, Va
Joined May 2004
390 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by acetech09 View Post
Is there a mirror in your pants? I can see myself in them.
Niceeee!!!

I always liked.....'Would you like your belly button licked? From the inside out?"

Got slapped on that one once.....but twice it worked!
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Old Sep 18, 2012, 10:29 AM
Registered User
United States, NC, Surf City
Joined Oct 2003
389 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by sjgusmc21 View Post
Niceeee!!!

I always liked.....'Would you like your belly button licked? From the inside out?"

Got slapped on that one once.....but twice it worked!
My favorite is now the Born Yesterday joke, but so far, I've only done it to women I know like me; haven't had the nerve to pull it on a stranger!
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Old Sep 18, 2012, 12:17 PM
Registered User
Upvector's Avatar
Hamilton, CANADA
Joined Sep 2009
339 Posts
He:.. "Tickle your ass with a feather..?"

She:...WHAT DID YOU SAY...?

He:..." typically nasty weather..!! :-]
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Old Sep 19, 2012, 03:23 PM
Registered User
stevenmurrell's Avatar
Garden Grove, CA
Joined Mar 2010
408 Posts
Posting this just to get back into the thread.
It's been a while since I was here and thought "why not"?, even though I got a mark or two for some jokes I told that were "too suggestive".
I will try and do better in my postings.
The 2 that got me in trouble were REALLY FUNNY though!
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Old Sep 25, 2012, 07:52 AM
Its all fun
Tonystott's Avatar
Australia, NSW, Forster
Joined Oct 2004
7,156 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by Upvector View Post
He:.. "Tickle your ass with a feather..?"

She:...WHAT DID YOU SAY...?

He:..." typically nasty weather..!! :-]
I remember that one! I heard it at school in 1953
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Old Sep 25, 2012, 09:06 AM
I think I'm inverted. Maybe.
acetech09's Avatar
United States, CA, Pacifica
Joined Apr 2012
1,509 Posts
A Message from Her Majesty The Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America, from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II…

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’, ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ or ya’all and you’all, is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’ was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Don’t try rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

As they say across the pond, “God Save the Queen!”
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Old Sep 25, 2012, 09:22 AM
Registered User
United States, NC, Surf City
Joined Oct 2003
389 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by acetech09 View Post
A Message from Her Majesty The Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America, from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II…

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’, ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘like’ and ‘you know’ or ya’all and you’all, is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’ was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Don’t try rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

As they say across the pond, “God Save the Queen!”
Does this mean we get free healthcare?
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Old Sep 25, 2012, 11:49 AM
Duh
crashawk's Avatar
grain valley mo, or about 25 minutes east of kansas city
Joined Jan 2004
595 Posts
never gonna happen, they ain't got enough economy to take over our deficit. lol.
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