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Old Aug 04, 2012, 07:55 PM
David Drowns
Mig Man's Avatar
Southern California
Joined Nov 2010
137 Posts
Women are like phones. They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and you get disconnected.
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Old Aug 05, 2012, 06:57 PM
Don't look at me like that....
62pilot's Avatar
United States, AR, McDougal
Joined Aug 2005
2,801 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mig Man View Post
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter.
In His highly aroused state, her husband readily Agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 10 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he 'd been earning, and therefore, they Were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that For the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.


Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.
Now for the other ending.


The man quickly grabbed his calculator and did some math. Looked at his wife and said " On average, you should never have aquired that much money in only 30 years " when she replied " But the neighbors husbands pay better than you do..."
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Old Aug 05, 2012, 07:00 PM
Laugh NOT at King Tupitos
Chophop's Avatar
Pleasant Valley Modelport
Joined Sep 2006
8,757 Posts
Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say: ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side. So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked: ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said: ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says: ''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said: ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says: ''If it had happened two days ago, I would be dead now!"
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Old Aug 05, 2012, 07:04 PM
Laugh NOT at King Tupitos
Chophop's Avatar
Pleasant Valley Modelport
Joined Sep 2006
8,757 Posts
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest family hammer he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge family hammer like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's family hammer. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"
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Old Aug 07, 2012, 10:02 PM
Culper Junior
eastern pa
Joined Feb 2007
2,220 Posts
A letter from camp

Dear Mom and DAD,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gasolene on a fire, the gasolene will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Bobby Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the front bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped us and talked to Scoutmaster Ted.



Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said often seen guys get sick like that when he was in Prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.



Love, Bobby
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Old Aug 07, 2012, 10:14 PM
I think I'm inverted. Maybe.
acetech09's Avatar
United States, CA, Pacifica
Joined Apr 2012
1,509 Posts
Great one. I'm right now out camping but getting great wi-fi from the camp office with my homemade yagi
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Old Aug 07, 2012, 10:57 PM
Registered User
Ron H's Avatar
Bishopville S.C.
Joined May 2003
4,022 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mig Man View Post
I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied:
"12 million illegal immigrants;
3 million crack heads;
47 million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons;
Half of Mexico;
and
535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, "WHO DID I MISS?"
It's funny to the small population paying, but not to those getting other peoples money
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Old Aug 08, 2012, 08:58 AM
David Drowns
Mig Man's Avatar
Southern California
Joined Nov 2010
137 Posts
For those of you who have pets, this is a true story. For those that don't, it is

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door:

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

One more thing, staring at me while I eat to try to direct my mind to give you my food will not work (usually). I am too old and too tired. Go stare at the kids. They are younger and more susceptible to mind control... If you don't believe me, notice how they all dress alike so they can be individuals.
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Old Aug 08, 2012, 08:59 AM
David Drowns
Mig Man's Avatar
Southern California
Joined Nov 2010
137 Posts
In fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front doo

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.


Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

(1) eat less,

(2) don't ask for money all the time,

(3) are easier to train,

(4) normally come when called,

(5) never ask to drive the car,

(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;

(7) don't smoke or drink,

(8) don't want to wear your clothes,

(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,

(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and

(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
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Old Aug 08, 2012, 09:31 AM
Registered User
Joined Nov 2007
35 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ron H View Post
It's funny to the small population paying, but not to those getting other peoples money
Sounds like our governing system
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Old Aug 08, 2012, 07:49 PM
Culper Junior
eastern pa
Joined Feb 2007
2,220 Posts
A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota wanted to get
Off work and go hunting, so he
Approached his assistant.

"Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns
The following day and asks: "So, Ole,
How was your day?"

Ole told him that he took care of
Three patients. "The first one had a
Headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo, mate, and the second one?"
Asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens
And a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself,
Taking off everything including
Her panties and lies
Down on the table and shouts:
‘HELP ME - I haven't
Seen a man in over two years!!’"

"Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole,
What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes!!"
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Old Aug 15, 2012, 09:50 PM
Culper Junior
eastern pa
Joined Feb 2007
2,220 Posts
Tips for drinking.....
Beer to liquor, you're going to be sicker,

Liquor to beer, you're in the clear.
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Old Aug 15, 2012, 10:46 PM
Registered User
United States, NC, Surf City
Joined Oct 2003
389 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by aeronca52 View Post
Tips for drinking.....
Beer to liquor, you're going to be sicker,

Liquor to beer, you're in the clear.
Thank you. It explains a lot!
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Old Aug 16, 2012, 12:29 AM
David Drowns
Mig Man's Avatar
Southern California
Joined Nov 2010
137 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by aeronca52 View Post
Tips for drinking.....
Beer to liquor, you're going to be sicker,

Liquor to beer, you're in the clear.
Same thing only different
I remember it as:

Beer before liquor,
Never been sicker.
Liquor before beer,
Have no fear.
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Old Aug 16, 2012, 11:16 AM
Registered User
Joined Nov 2007
35 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by aeronca52 View Post
Tips for drinking.....
Beer to liquor, you're going to be sicker,

Liquor to beer, you're in the clear.
Wine after beer is good, my dear.
Beer after wine , is a bl**dy swine
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