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Old Jul 23, 2012, 08:10 AM
Registered User
GWFAMI's Avatar
Kansas
Joined Jul 2005
182 Posts
John went to visit his 90
year old grandfather
in a very secluded, rural
area of Saskatchewan .

After
spending a great evening chatting the night away,
the next
morning John's grandfather prepared
breakfast of bacon, eggs
and toast.


However, John noticed
a film like substance on his plate,
and questioned his
grandfather asking,

'Are these plates
clean?'

His grandfather
replied,

'They're as clean as
cold water can get 'em..
Just you go ahead and
finish your meal, Sonny!'


For lunch the old man
made hamburgers.

Again, John was
concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have
tiny specks around
the edge that looked like
dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these
plates are clean?'

Without looking up
the old man said,

'I told you before,
Sonny, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can
get them. Now don't you
fret, I don't want to
hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon,
John was on his way to a nearby town
and as he was leaving,
his grandfather's dog
started to growl, and
wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said,

'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.


Without diverting his attention
from the football game
he was watching on TV,
the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay
down now, yah hear me!'
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Old Jul 23, 2012, 08:58 AM
The original Flying Pigs Sqd.
Up&Away's Avatar
Netanya, Israel
Joined Aug 2002
10,066 Posts
...
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Old Jul 25, 2012, 08:48 PM
David Drowns
Mig Man's Avatar
Southern California
Joined Nov 2010
137 Posts
I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied:
"12 million illegal immigrants;
3 million crack heads;
47 million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons;
Half of Mexico;
and
535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, "WHO DID I MISS?"
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Old Jul 26, 2012, 02:17 AM
Taking care of the pond.
MILLERTIME's Avatar
United States, CA, Sanger
Joined Apr 2004
7,348 Posts
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.


One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,



'The A.I. man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove

a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn.

Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'



The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial

insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.



Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy

sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'



The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me

lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right

cow to be bred?'



'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.



Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'



The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess

it's to hang your pants on.'



(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)
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Old Jul 26, 2012, 10:42 AM
Not THAT Ira
Real Ira's Avatar
Coupeville, Wa
Joined Jan 2006
4,722 Posts
Poor bastard.....

http://www.indianexpress.com/news/fi...-death/979270/
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Old Jul 30, 2012, 02:41 PM
Not THAT Ira
Real Ira's Avatar
Coupeville, Wa
Joined Jan 2006
4,722 Posts
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an American, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a Nigerian, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, an Ethiopian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Senegalese, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, a Ghanian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Mauritanian, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, a Kenyan, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tanzanian, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, a Liberian, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a South African, a Singaporean, an Italian, and a Norwegian walk into a fine restaurant

…"I'm sorry," says the maître d', scrutinizing the group one by one as he stops them from entering, "You can't come in here without a Thai."
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Old Jul 30, 2012, 02:43 PM
Registered User
United States, NC, Surf City
Joined Oct 2003
389 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by Real Ira View Post
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an American, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a Nigerian, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, an Ethiopian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Senegalese, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, a Ghanian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Mauritanian, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, a Kenyan, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tanzanian, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, a Liberian, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a South African, a Singaporean, an Italian, and a Norwegian walk into a fine restaurant

…"I'm sorry," says the maître d', scrutinizing the group one by one as he stops them from entering, "You can't come in here without a Thai."
But were they wearing shoes and shirts?
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Old Jul 30, 2012, 07:51 PM
free bird
Mickey D's Avatar
South Africa, GP, Johannesburg
Joined Aug 2011
169 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by Real Ira View Post
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an American, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a Nigerian, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, an Ethiopian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Senegalese, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, a Ghanian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Mauritanian, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, a Kenyan, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tanzanian, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, a Liberian, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a South African, a Singaporean, an Italian, and a Norwegian walk into a fine restaurant

…"I'm sorry," says the maître d', scrutinizing the group one by one as he stops them from entering, "You can't come in here without a Thai."
The South African then replied to the maître d', 'What are you talking about? I brought all my foreign ties with me!'
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Old Jul 30, 2012, 07:58 PM
I think I'm inverted. Maybe.
acetech09's Avatar
United States, CA, Pacifica
Joined Apr 2012
1,509 Posts
The maître d' then replies "They're not around your neck! Where else do you expect me to Czech?"
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Old Jul 30, 2012, 08:31 PM
free bird
Mickey D's Avatar
South Africa, GP, Johannesburg
Joined Aug 2011
169 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by acetech09 View Post
The maître d' then replies "They're not around your neck! Where else do you expect me to Czech?"
The South African then replied "Well then I will go elsewere, your Viena on a Dutch roll has way too much Greece anyway, I no longer wish to Romania" Come along gents, let's go for a Texan!'
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Old Aug 02, 2012, 05:51 PM
Thermite + ice = Big boom.
boaterguy's Avatar
Canada, ON, Ottawa
Joined Apr 2009
2,359 Posts
The Irishman was expecting to have alcohol by now and dies of mild sobriety.
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Old Aug 03, 2012, 01:16 AM
Vertical Arrival Specialist
clinth01's Avatar
Townsville, Australia
Joined Sep 2009
319 Posts
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss," he said, "My doctor gave me a pill that actually worked. I'm here on time today!!"

"That's fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
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Old Aug 03, 2012, 07:18 PM
David Drowns
Mig Man's Avatar
Southern California
Joined Nov 2010
137 Posts
I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I though to myself, "Wow dogs are easily entertained..."

Then I realized, I just watched my dog chase it's tail for ten minutes...
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Old Aug 03, 2012, 10:00 PM
Master of the figure 9
Old Man's Avatar
United States, IN, Indianapolis
Joined May 2004
2,677 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mig Man View Post
I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I though to myself, "Wow dogs are easily entertained..."

Then I realized, I just watched my dog chase it's tail for ten minutes...
Consider it stolen.
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Old Aug 04, 2012, 08:31 PM
David Drowns
Mig Man's Avatar
Southern California
Joined Nov 2010
137 Posts
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter.
In His highly aroused state, her husband readily Agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 10 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he 'd been earning, and therefore, they Were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that For the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.


Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.
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