|Jun 22, 2012, 08:11 PM|
USA, FL, Pensacola
Joined Sep 2004
On January 9, a group of Perkin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.
The leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ...
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then he says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"
The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
|Jun 23, 2012, 12:22 PM|
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause.
|Jun 25, 2012, 01:20 AM|
There was a man who had worked all his life. He had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to that money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a good Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque..... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'
|Jun 25, 2012, 09:12 AM|
Not a joke here but a funny rhyme that came up. I was listening to the Spider Man preview and the theme song made me think of this. Not sure if I made it up or remembered it from way back.
Cider Man Cider Man
Makes whatever Jack Daniels can.
Have him brew a quart for you.
Get your girlfriend drunk and blue.
Cook ouuuuuuut, here comes the Cider Man.
|Jun 25, 2012, 11:48 PM|
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me . Are you at the club?"
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
|Jun 26, 2012, 02:03 AM|
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Sure enough, I passed a police random breath testing unit, which vindicated my decision, but as it was a bus they waved it through without a second look.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.
|Jun 27, 2012, 10:53 AM|
Alcohol is for making thermometers and sterilizing needle sticks. Oh it's also good for cleaning clogged arteries. A beer a day keeps the clogs away ?
|Jun 29, 2012, 09:34 AM|
Good morning Pretty Pie, here's a nasty old fart.
It says I love you from the bottom of my heart.
Put on some coffee on the way to your job,
when you pay the rent it makes my heart throb.
By the way, would you stop at the store ?
I'm out of my favorites and I need some more.
It sure is great to have a lover so nice,
if this all keeps up they'll be throwing the rice.
Edit: I had to change a name in there, sorry it wasn't meant to be you.
|Jul 01, 2012, 08:48 AM|
Since there is no Humorous Topics threads I include them here.
Cities with the same name as the state they are in :
1) New York City, NY
2) Arizona City, AZ
3) Jersey City, NJ
4) Delaware City, DE
5) District of Columbia, DC
6) Florida City, FL
7) Ohio City, OH
8) Kansas City, KS
9) Utah, Utah
10)California City, CA
11)Oregon City, OR
12)Idaho City, ID
14)Illinois City, IL
15)Oklahoma City, OK
16)Colorado City, CO
17)Nevada City, NV
18)Montana City, MT
I suppose there is no KY, KY because they might confuse it with NY, NY and not recognize anything. What confuses me is driving through the southern part of northeast West Virgina. Or the eastern part of southwest North Carolina.
|Jul 01, 2012, 02:23 PM|
United States, NC, Surf City
Joined Oct 2003
"DC, DC" is incorrect and therefore doesn't belong on your list. It is "Washington, DC." No one calls it "DC, DC!" Locals call it "DC" or "The District" or just Washington. When referring to the state on the West Coast, we call that "Washington State" if any distinction seems necessary.
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