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Old May 20, 2012, 01:42 AM
Taking care of the pond.
MILLERTIME's Avatar
USA, CA, Fresno
Joined Apr 2004
7,260 Posts
When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
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Old May 20, 2012, 03:11 PM
Not THAT Ira
Real Ira's Avatar
Coupeville, Wa
Joined Jan 2006
4,722 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by MILLERTIME View Post
When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.


Those are very punny.
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Old May 21, 2012, 12:48 PM
Try the Truth for a change
Bill Henley's Avatar
home on the range
Joined Apr 2007
183 Posts
Redneck Lent

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. So the priest paid a visit to Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic too.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended his first Mass. As the priest sprinkled holy water over Bubba, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved... until the next Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood again.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbors. He rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, but he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba clutching a small bottle of holy water which he was carefully sprinkling over the grilling meat while chanting, "You wuz born a deer and raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."
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Old May 24, 2012, 09:20 AM
Taking care of the pond.
MILLERTIME's Avatar
USA, CA, Fresno
Joined Apr 2004
7,260 Posts
A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discusses where to meet for dinner.
Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View
restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson,the
cute
boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to
meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band
was
good. There was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to
meet
for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and,if they went
late enough there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45 -year-old girlfriends discussed where to
meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to
meet
for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good,the restaurant
had windows that opened (in case of a hot flashes), and fish is good for
cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to
meet
for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an earlybird special.

10 years later, the group of 75-years-old girlfriends discussed where to
meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was
handicapped-accessible.

10 years later, the group of 85-years-old girlfriends discussed where to
meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant
because they had never been there before.
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Old May 27, 2012, 01:27 AM
Vertical Arrival Specialist
clinth01's Avatar
Townsville, Australia
Joined Sep 2009
319 Posts
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10. Each pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
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Old May 27, 2012, 07:07 PM
AMA 119319
United States, AL, Tuscaloosa
Joined Jul 2009
105 Posts
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.

That night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 6 inch stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: "you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long."

The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we made wild passionate love all night.

The married one: The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes home from work, opens the door and says: "Hi Batman, what's for dinner?"
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Old May 28, 2012, 01:06 AM
The original Flying Pigs Sqd.
Up&Away's Avatar
Netanya, Israel
Joined Aug 2002
9,946 Posts
I'm afraid to show that one to my wife...

Quote:
Originally Posted by alarcer View Post
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.

That night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 6 inch stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: "you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long."

The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we made wild passionate love all night.

The married one: The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes home from work, opens the door and says: "Hi Batman, what's for dinner?"
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Old May 28, 2012, 06:21 PM
Wannabe B-26 pilot!
Matt Halton's Avatar
Southwold, Suffolk, UK.
Joined Nov 2002
4,895 Posts
I got stopped by the cops after being seen driving away from a bar. The cop asked me to get out of my car. The cop says " You're staggering!" I replied " Thanks, you're not bad looking yourself"
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Old May 29, 2012, 01:36 AM
Registered User
stormysrider's Avatar
Australia, QLD, Numinbah Valley
Joined May 2011
105 Posts
Shamus and his brother Paddy are riding along in the Cessna when Paddy pulls out a brown paper bag containing a cockatoo and a pistol… He opens the door jumps out puts the gun to the birds head and pulls the trigger….As he plummets to the ground he calls back "Shamus I think Parrot Shooting was a very bad idea".

Not 6 weeks later Shamus is walking along when he sees his brother Mick standing on a tall bridge 500feet over a river below. Mick is standing there with a budgerigar in each hand and with a loud yell holds the birds above his head and jumps.. As he also plummets to his death he calls to his brother "Shamus Budgie Jumping was a bad idea"

When he gets home that night Shamus is in a sorry state and decides to ring his father Sean. "Dad" he says "do you still have those chickens out the back?", "Why yes" his father replies. "Well can I borrow two of them then" enquires Shamus? "That depends" syas Sean. "Depends on what"? Says Shamus? "Well" says his father "I lost one son to parrot shooting and another to budgie jumping, I hope you weren’t planning on giving hen gliding a go were you?"
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Last edited by stormysrider; May 29, 2012 at 01:42 AM.
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Old May 29, 2012, 01:45 AM
AMA 119319
United States, AL, Tuscaloosa
Joined Jul 2009
105 Posts
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house, drool, and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year lifespan."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch, drool, and bark at everyone.


Life has now been explained to you.
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Old May 29, 2012, 05:30 AM
Vertical Arrival Specialist
clinth01's Avatar
Townsville, Australia
Joined Sep 2009
319 Posts
A rich man living in Darwin, Australia decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and steaks from the BBQ and flirting outrageously with anyone in sight.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell............

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks.... I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.... that was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, you must want something. Name it, and I'll do my best to make sure it's yours'.

'OK', Colin said, I WANT THE BASTARD WHO PUSHED ME IN !
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Old May 30, 2012, 05:15 PM
Vertical Arrival Specialist
clinth01's Avatar
Townsville, Australia
Joined Sep 2009
319 Posts
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."
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Old May 30, 2012, 07:53 PM
David Drowns
Mig Man's Avatar
Southern California
Joined Nov 2010
137 Posts
Five Horses Is Her Name

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
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Old Jun 01, 2012, 11:03 PM
Not THAT Ira
Real Ira's Avatar
Coupeville, Wa
Joined Jan 2006
4,722 Posts
Argon walked into a bar and the bartender said, "get out!"
Argon didn't react.
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Old Jun 02, 2012, 09:27 AM
Occasional useful idiot...
Joined Nov 2009
1,395 Posts
Skeleton walks into a bar, he orders a beer and a mop...
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