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Old Jun 22, 2009, 05:43 PM
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Joined Oct 2007
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Joke
Post your JOKES!

Post your jokes as ye may. General Joke thread....If you like. No need to start a new thread everytime.


A GOOD OLD IRISH STORY.

It was a truly dark and stormy night and McDoogle (drunk as usual) was taking a short cut home from the pub thru the local cemetery.

As luck would have it the night was really dark and McDoogle had the bad luck to stumble into an open grave. He tried and tried to jump out, but the sides and top edges were soft and he kept sliding back down. Finally, he decided to just curl up at one end and sleep until morning.

Later on, another good fellow was following pretty much the same route that McDoogle had taken and sure enough, he fell into the end of the grave opposite McDoogle. He started the same jumping up and falling back that McDoogle had done.

All of the activity finally awakened McDoogle. He opened one eye, surveyed the situation, and said in a low gutteral voice: Ish no use you'll n e v e r get out! But in only a moment, McDoogle was all alone again.
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Old Jun 22, 2009, 11:29 PM
Don't look at me like that....
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United States, AR, McDougal
Joined Aug 2005
2,798 Posts
Two Nuns had snuck out on Saturday night and went to town. They got raving drunk and was trying to scale the fence to get back in the church when one said..." Hey, I feel like a Marine." The other replied " Me too, I just don't know where we'll jind one this time of night."
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Old Jun 30, 2009, 10:17 PM
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eastern pa
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Question-Know why the White House had a seance the night BO was sworn in?

Answer-To thank all the people who voted for him.
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Old Jul 01, 2009, 05:35 PM
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Deutschland, Nordrhein-Westfalen, Geilenkirchen
Joined Aug 2007
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Why the real blonde mother changes the diapers of her baby only once in a month?


Because it was written on the box: "....up to 24 lbs"


Udo
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Old Jul 01, 2009, 05:53 PM
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Deutschland, Nordrhein-Westfalen, Geilenkirchen
Joined Aug 2007
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Snow White, Tom Thumb and the Hunchback of Notre Dame meet each other.
Snow White says: "I am the most beautiful girl in the whole world."
Tom Thumb replayed: "Well, I bet, I am the smallest human being in the world."
The Hunchback stated: "Of course, I am the worst looking human being then."

They agree with all those statements and they went to the directorate of the "Guiness book of records".

Snow White comes out of that office and she is happy: "I am the most beautiful girl on this planet."

Tom Thumb is also happy, because he is in fact the smallest human being.

Only the Hunchback is not really happy: "Who on earth is Camilla Parker-Bowles?"

Udo
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Old Jul 01, 2009, 06:45 PM
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...
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Old Jul 01, 2009, 07:10 PM
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Russian Federation, Sakha, Yakutsk
Joined May 2006
2,978 Posts
1. Knock Knock...

2. Who's there???

1. Interrupting cow

2. Interrupting co ................. 1. MOOOOO!!!!!!!
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Old Jul 01, 2009, 09:29 PM
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eastern pa
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pudknocker71
...


What's with the pic of Camilla Parker-Bowles and the back end of Hillary Clinton???
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Old Jul 02, 2009, 04:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aeronca52
What's with the pic of Camilla Parker-Bowles and the back end of Hillary Clinton???
IF that's the BACK end of Hillary.... OMG it has teeth!
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Old Jul 02, 2009, 05:52 AM
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No No you've got it all wrong the one on the Right is Camilla after all Prince Charles can ride that one.
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Old Jul 02, 2009, 06:34 AM
Its all fun
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Australia, NSW, Forster
Joined Oct 2004
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They put grandpa in an old folks home, and the nurse put him out on the sunny balcony. Every now and then, he started leaning to one side, so a nurse rushed over and straightened him up...

The son & daughter-in-law visited him a week later. "How's it going here Dad?"

He replied, "Son you gotta get me out of here, they won't let me fart!"
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Old Jul 03, 2009, 05:18 AM
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central AZ
Joined May 2002
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Quote:
Originally Posted by udogigahertz
Snow White, Tom Thumb and the Hunchback of Notre Dame meet each other.
Snow White says: "I am the most beautiful girl in the whole world."
Tom Thumb replayed: "Well, I bet, I am the smallest human being in the world."
The Hunchback stated: "Of course, I am the worst looking human being then."

They agree with all those statements and they went to the directorate of the "Guiness book of records".

Snow White comes out of that office and she is happy: "I am the most beautiful girl on this planet."

Tom Thumb is also happy, because he is in fact the smallest human being.

Only the Hunchback is not really happy: "Who on earth is Nancy Pelosi?"

Udo
I fixed it for ya!
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Old Jul 03, 2009, 06:12 AM
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Famous Photo...

...
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Old Jul 04, 2009, 11:34 AM
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Adelaide, South Australia
Joined Jan 2009
44 Posts
How it started.

The truth always hurts.....

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************** **********************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were

in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************** **********************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......
************************************************** *******************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first..
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

================================================== ====================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

================================================== ==================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as
he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her , 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

================================================== =========

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know
how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

================================================== ==========================

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf '
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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Old Jul 04, 2009, 11:48 AM
Culper Junior
eastern pa
Joined Feb 2007
2,186 Posts
"The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp."

You didn't finish it.....You will always have a limp what?
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