|Feb 20, 2012, 05:03 PM|
[QUOTE=osprey;20806205]I was eating lunch on the 19th of February with my 4 year-old granddaughter
and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"
She said "It's President's Day!"
She is a smart kid. So, I asked, "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting to hear something about Washington, or Lincoln, etc.
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."
|Feb 20, 2012, 05:48 PM|
|Feb 20, 2012, 09:29 PM|
|Feb 22, 2012, 01:39 PM|
Dominic was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked,
“Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?”
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. “Well, Dominic, it's called sexual intercourse.”
“Oh,” Little Dominic said, “OK,” and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily
“Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Anthony's mom wants to talk to you.”
|Feb 22, 2012, 04:17 PM|
After a busy day he settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as
far as his destination at Winchester , when the chap sitting near him
hauled out his mobile and started up:- "Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on
the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not the 4.30 but I had a long
meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss
no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my
heart" etc., etc. This was still going on at Wimbledon , when the young
woman opposite, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,
"Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone off and come back to bed!!"
|Feb 24, 2012, 12:50 AM|
His request approved, the CNN News photographer
quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport
to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane
would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane
warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut,
and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane
into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed
the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make
low passes so I can take pictures
of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN'
he responded, 'and I need to get
some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment,
finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,
is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
|Mar 04, 2012, 02:23 PM|
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband. For example...
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. from under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a
baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”
|Mar 04, 2012, 02:25 PM|
NO SEX Since 1955
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
(Gotta love military time)
|Mar 06, 2012, 10:48 AM|
This is not a joke but a funny tip for the ladies.
It's that time of the year when many of us pick partners. As a gesture of friendship to the ladies I'll give up a secret. When choosing a mate, examine both of his hands and forearms. If one has hair and the other doesn't, then pass. It means he is a slob that sits on the couch lighting his toots, and you'll hate it.
|Mar 13, 2012, 07:24 AM|
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - pancakes, ice cream, candy… -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Not really, Pa Pa , it was really boring. We didn't see a single hole, piece of crap, horse's , liberal pinko democrat Obama lover, blind bastard, dip, or son of a anywhere we went!"
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Highly edited from original
(My wife read this and says it sounds exactly like me)
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