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Old Apr 11, 2014, 06:28 PM
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Joined Feb 2014
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Joke
Airplane humor

A Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to "hold short for a DC8 to land", the DC8 landed rolled out made a 180 and taxied back up the runway, when it passed in front of the Cherokee the DC8 pilot being a comedian said "what a cute little airplane did you make it all by yourself" The Cherokee pilot quickly responded "I made it out of DC8 parts and another landing like your's Ill have enough parts to make another one
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Old Apr 11, 2014, 07:38 PM
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Bruno Stachel's Avatar
Edgewood, KY (Cincinnati)
Joined Jan 2004
189 Posts
Somewhere Over Vietnam

A Phantom jockey flying near a B-52 decides to have a little fun. He flies over and performs a barrel roll around the bomber.
B-52 pilot: “I guess you think you’re pretty special, don’t you hot shot?”
F-4 pilot: “Let’s see you do it.”
B-52: “I bet I can do something you can’t do.”
F-4: “Yea sure, what’s that?”
The B-52 keeps flying straight and level.
B-52: “There, let’s see you do that!”
F-4: “What, I didn't see anything.”
B-52: “I just shut down two engines. Let’s see you do that!”
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Old Apr 12, 2014, 10:21 AM
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Joined Feb 2014
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Another good one,(supposed to be true). While taxiing at London's Gatwick airport a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. A very irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming "US AIR 2771 where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto charley taxiway! You turned onto delta!STOP right there! I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D but get it right!! Continuing her rage to the embarrassed pilot she was now shouting hysterically "god now you screwed everything up! It will take forever to sort this out!You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to!You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,when I tell you GOT that US Air 2771? Yes Maam the humble pilot responded. naturally the ground control frequency fell very quiet after that bashing, nobody wanted to engage the controller in her current state of mind and tensions were running very high at Gatwick. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his mike asking "Wasn't I married to you once"
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Old Apr 13, 2014, 10:01 PM
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United States, MA, Grafton
Joined May 2006
353 Posts
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, the reception wasn't friendly… and I didn’t land.”
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Old Apr 14, 2014, 02:22 PM
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dll932's Avatar
Euclid Ohio
Joined May 2005
306 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bruno Stachel View Post
A Phantom jockey flying near a B-52 decides to have a little fun. He flies over and performs a barrel roll around the bomber.
B-52 pilot: “I guess you think you’re pretty special, don’t you hot shot?”
F-4 pilot: “Let’s see you do it.”
B-52: “I bet I can do something you can’t do.”
F-4: “Yea sure, what’s that?”
The B-52 keeps flying straight and level.
B-52: “There, let’s see you do that!”
F-4: “What, I didn't see anything.”
B-52: “I just shut down two engines. Let’s see you do that!”
The way I heard it was, "I just went to the bathroom and got a cup of coffee-let's see you do that!"
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Old Apr 14, 2014, 02:25 PM
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Euclid Ohio
Joined May 2005
306 Posts
Ancient but funny:

Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as squawks, submitted over the years by Pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots' squawks.

Problem - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. Solution - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

Problem - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. Solution - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
That was was SCARY!

Problem - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. Solution - No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem - Something loose in cockpit. Solution - Something tightened in cockpit.

Problem - Dead bugs on windshield. Solution - Live bugs on backorder.

Problem - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. Solution - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Solution - Evidence removed.

Problem - DME volume unbelievably loud. Solution - Volume set to more believable level.

Problem - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Solution - That's what they are there for!

Problem - IFF inoperative. Solution - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem - Suspected crack in windscreen. Solution - Suspect you're right.

Problem - Number 3 engine missing. Solution - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Problem - Aircraft handles funny. Solution - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."

Problem - Target radar hums. Solution - Reprogrammed target radar with words.

Problem - Mouse in cockpit. Solution - Cat installed. Defect: The autopilot doesn't. Action: IT DOES NOW.

Defect: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten. Action: Fresh seat cushion on order.

Defect: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns. Action: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Defect: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown. Action: Pilot removed from aircraft.

Defect: Pilot's clock inoperative. Action: Wound clock.

Defect: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds. Action: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

Defect: #2 ADF needle runs wild. Action: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

Defect: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine. Action: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer. Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.

Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment. Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.

Defect: Flight attendant cold at altitude. Action: Ground checks OK.

Defect: 3 roaches in cabin. Action: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

Defect: Weather radar went ape! Action: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!
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Old Apr 14, 2014, 03:37 PM
Figure Nine Champ
madsci_guy's Avatar
North Texas
Joined Nov 2002
1,283 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by dll932 View Post
The way I heard it was, "I just went to the bathroom and got a cup of coffee-let's see you do that!"
That was a B-36 vs. an F-86.
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Old Apr 14, 2014, 07:51 PM
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Bruno Stachel's Avatar
Edgewood, KY (Cincinnati)
Joined Jan 2004
189 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by dll932 View Post
The way I heard it was, "I just went to the bathroom and got a cup of coffee-let's see you do that!"
Probably a number of versions out there. I actually saw it as a 3 or 4 panel comic strip in Airman magazine back in the 70's. I haven't seen the strip since. But I'm sure it was an engine shut down.
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Old Apr 15, 2014, 09:11 AM
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David Forbes's Avatar
United States, FL, Gainesville
Joined Dec 2005
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Years ago, working in the Delta radio shop, I had a VHF receiver tuned to an ATL tower frequency. Tower had an Eastern DC-9 go around twice. The second time, the DC-9 responded:

"We can do this all afternoon if you like, but in a little while we are going to have to land and refuel."

Stolen from http://www.avweb.com
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Old Apr 15, 2014, 10:35 AM
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dll932's Avatar
Euclid Ohio
Joined May 2005
306 Posts
Here's another from avweb's Short Final:

Background: In the C-141 at the time, there was a three-position switch on the right side of the yoke. Up was interphone, neutral was off, and down was transmit on the active radio. And in a USAF "crew-served" aircraft, you identify yourself by position when responding to a question or checklist item. (I.e., "Ready for take-off?" "Pilot ready." "Co-pilot ready." Etc. In order of precedence: pilot, co-pilot, navigator, flight engineer, load master.) ... So: Many years ago, a new co-pilot (me) on his first operational MAC trip to Hawaii out of McChord Air Force Base had just finished the after-take-off-climb checklist and: ... Loadmaster: "Who wants coffee?" ... Pilot: "Pilot will take Black" ... Co-Pilot: "Co-pilot will take cream and sugar." ... ATC: "Seattle Center will take two black and one with sugar."
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Old Apr 15, 2014, 11:51 AM
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Euclid Ohio
Joined May 2005
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But wait, there's MORE!

On some air bases, the military uses one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side, with the tower in the middle serving both. One day, at one of these fields, a call from an aircraft called in asking, "Hey, Tower, what time is it?" The tower answered, "Who is calling?" The aircraft answered, "What difference does it make?" The tower responded with, "It makes a lot of difference. If you are a civilian aircraft, it's three o'clock; if you're an Army aircraft, it's 1500 hours; if you're a Navy aircraft, it's 3 bells; if you're an Air Force aircraft, the big hand is on 12 and the little hand is on 3; and if you're a Marine aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes 'til Happy Hour."
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Old Apr 20, 2014, 10:21 PM
Not THAT Ira
Real Ira's Avatar
Coupeville, Wa
Joined Jan 2006
4,722 Posts
A friend who was a civilian flight instructor had printed up course material for his students. It included instructions for single engine/ engine out rural emergency night landings.
If the engine would not re-start, practice was to turn off the landing lights and look for the darker areas on the ground as they were more likely to be grassy areas and the lighter areas trees (or maybe the other way around???) When altitude was down to about 400ft, turn the landing lights back on....if you did not like what your saw at this point, just turn them back off.
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Old Apr 20, 2014, 10:29 PM
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CARMICHAEL, CALIFORNIA USA
Joined Apr 2001
3,903 Posts
dark areas is correct.
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Old Apr 28, 2014, 12:43 AM
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Toowoomba, QLD, AUSTRALIA
Joined Jan 2008
615 Posts
Air China "talks" to JFK Ground (1 min 44 sec)


There are many others...
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Old Apr 28, 2014, 10:32 AM
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Euclid Ohio
Joined May 2005
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bjr_93tz View Post
And with six you get eggroll.
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