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Old Mar 05, 2013, 09:06 PM
Its all fun
Tonystott's Avatar
Australia, NSW, Forster
Joined Oct 2004
7,114 Posts
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My mom said I was two days old." "Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly. "You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!"
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Old Mar 05, 2013, 09:06 PM
Its all fun
Tonystott's Avatar
Australia, NSW, Forster
Joined Oct 2004
7,114 Posts
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing
traffic. The dog, at this point, started peeing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passer-by saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed.

The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his bum."
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Old Mar 05, 2013, 09:07 PM
Its all fun
Tonystott's Avatar
Australia, NSW, Forster
Joined Oct 2004
7,114 Posts
One day a guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas and the bartender says" whats wrong?" and the guy says that he just found out his younger son was gay. the bartender says he’s sorry to hear it.

The next week, the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas and the bartender says "whats wrong this time?" and the guy says he just found out that his older son was gay and the bartender was sorry to hear it.

The next week, the guy comes back and orders 20 tequilas and the bartender bursts out "doesn’t anybody in your family fancy women?!" and the guy gets really depressed and says "yeah! my wife!"
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Old Mar 05, 2013, 09:08 PM
Its all fun
Tonystott's Avatar
Australia, NSW, Forster
Joined Oct 2004
7,114 Posts
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
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Old Mar 05, 2013, 10:02 PM
Registered User
central AZ
Joined May 2002
1,263 Posts
A guy walks into a bar and orders a dozen shots of tequila. He starts to pound them down, one right after the other, as fast as he can.

The bartender looks on in astonishment and says, "I don't think drinking that many shots that fast is such a good idea!"

The guy replies, "You would if you had what I had."

"What do you have?!" the bartender asks.

The guy downs the last shot, gathers his belongings, and says "Fifty cents!!"
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Old Mar 06, 2013, 06:23 PM
Registered User
USA, MO, O'Fallon
Joined Dec 2003
2,075 Posts
Another difference between men and women: Daylight Savings Time when we move our clocks ahead this weekend.

She: Oh no, I will lose an hour of sleep and have less time to get things done around the house.

He: Oh good. Breakfast is an hour earlier so I do not have to wait as long.
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Old Mar 06, 2013, 09:36 PM
Mach .09 Super Achiever
Chophop's Avatar
Pleasant Valley Modelport
Joined Sep 2006
8,399 Posts
never mind
I'm getting scared to post late at night
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Last edited by Chophop; Mar 06, 2013 at 10:15 PM.
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Old Mar 14, 2013, 07:37 PM
David Drowns
Mig Man's Avatar
Southern California
Joined Nov 2010
137 Posts
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
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Old Mar 14, 2013, 08:04 PM
Registered User
Joined Jul 2008
1,817 Posts
It’s called taking one for the team, and as an escaped convict in situations such as this I have always found that similar to a birthday party it is best to maintain the element of surprise, people appreciate the end result more that way.
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Old Mar 14, 2013, 09:28 PM
Mach .09 Super Achiever
Chophop's Avatar
Pleasant Valley Modelport
Joined Sep 2006
8,399 Posts
Where can you find a dog with no legs ?
Right where they dumped it.
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Old Mar 15, 2013, 09:22 PM
Registered User
Joined Jul 2008
1,817 Posts
Always liked this one.
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Old Mar 15, 2013, 09:52 PM
Culper Junior
eastern pa
Joined Feb 2007
2,174 Posts
http://www.meh.ro/wp-content/uploads...meh.ro9922.jpg
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Old Mar 16, 2013, 10:57 PM
Not THAT Ira
Real Ira's Avatar
Coupeville, Wa
Joined Jan 2006
4,722 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chophop View Post
Where can you find a dog with no legs ?
Right where they dumped it.
What does a man do standing up, a lady do sitting down, and a dog do with one leg lifted?





Shake hands.
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Old Mar 17, 2013, 01:23 AM
Taking care of the pond.
MILLERTIME's Avatar
USA, CA, Fresno
Joined Apr 2004
7,259 Posts
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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Old Mar 17, 2013, 01:24 AM
Taking care of the pond.
MILLERTIME's Avatar
USA, CA, Fresno
Joined Apr 2004
7,259 Posts
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father.

"The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
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