|Nov 22, 2013, 10:14 PM|
Two cannibals are sitting down to dinner when one of them heaves a heavy sigh.
"What's the matter?"
"Oh, I just can't stand my Mother-in-law!"
"So? Then just eat the vegetables!"
|Nov 22, 2013, 10:18 PM|
A British Airways Flight.
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your
captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, Im sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled.......
."For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!"
|Nov 23, 2013, 07:28 AM|
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 65th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well-oiled bum.
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!
Now how does that sound?"
He said, " That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
|Nov 23, 2013, 04:47 PM|
|Nov 25, 2013, 10:08 PM|
I was looking through some of the local single women lookin fer a mayan, I ran onto a funny one, some matters of ID removed in case I ever wind up with her, but now that brings me to why I'm here to show this. Dang, we sound like a match ?
Are there any true men left? - 26 (some city nearby )
Hey, I'm looking fir a real honest man. Not a little boy who lies and does what he says that he will. I'm a single mother (if that bothers you, I'm not the one for you). I'm an outgoing, down to earth, adventurous person. i love to cook, and cater to what's mine. If you have your head on right, honest, caring, have at least a car, and looking for something real. Then send me an email, please put your favorite color in the subject line. You can send a picture or not. Hope to hear from you very soon.
|Nov 27, 2013, 04:18 PM|
|Dec 04, 2013, 02:43 PM|
I do not make jokes of people's religions but I do sometimes find humor in them.
This , I find to be the funniest passage I have ever read in the Bible :
1 Samuel 18:25-27
25 Saul then said, "Thus you shall say to David, 'The king does not desire any dowry except a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to take vengeance on the king's enemies.'" Now Saul planned to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines.
26 When his servants told David these words, it pleased David to become the king's son-in-law. Before the days had expired
27 David rose up and went, he and his men, and struck down two hundred men among the Philistines. Then David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full number to the king, that he might become the king's son-in-law. So Saul gave him Michal his daughter for a wife.
|Yesterday, 09:58 AM|
Q: Did you hear about the great new restaurant on the moon? A: The food is excellent, but there's no atmosphere.
Q: Why did the cow jump over the moon? A: Because the farmer had cold hands!
Q: Did you hear about the bones they found on the moon? A: It seems like the cow did not make it.
Q: What holds the moon up? A: Moonbeams.
Q: How do you know when the moon is going broke? A: When it's down to its last quarter.
Q: "Why does the Moon orbit the Earth?" A: "To get to the other side?"
Q: What do you call a clock on the moon? A: A lunartick.
Q: How does a man on a moon get his haircut? A: Eclipse it.
Q: Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon? A: Because it doesn't need cleaning!
source: had to remove link, too many dirty jokes
|Yesterday, 10:03 AM|
A man staggers into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this" said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in it's rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Thats when I made my mistake." "What did you do?", asked the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"
|Today, 06:03 AM|
AUSTRALIAN MATESHIP - A Testimony To True Friendship
A man brings his best mate home for dinner, unannounced, at 5.30 p.m. after work.
His wife screams at him as he and his friend walk in the front door...........
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas, and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
What the hell did you bring him home for?"
The husband calmly replied -
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
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