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Old Nov 19, 2012, 07:33 PM
Culper Junior
eastern pa
Joined Feb 2007
2,198 Posts
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.



Life is Short, Smile While You Still HaveTeeth.
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Old Nov 20, 2012, 01:17 AM
Taking care of the pond.
MILLERTIME's Avatar
USA, CA, Fresno
Joined Apr 2004
7,296 Posts
Once again this year, I've had requests for my Rum Christmas Cake recipe so here goes: Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle Rum
2 cups dried fruit

· Sample the rum to check quality. Take a large bowl; check the rum again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the rum is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the run. Now shift the lemon ice strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 s and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the rum and wipe the counter with the cat.
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Old Nov 20, 2012, 07:42 PM
David Drowns
Mig Man's Avatar
Southern California
Joined Nov 2010
137 Posts
New seat belt law

Oh yea, I'm sure that will work!!!


This becomes effective January 1, 2013 in ALL States.
The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive Testing on a newly Designed seat belt.
Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95% When the belt is properly installed.
Correct Installation is illustrated below.......
Please pass on to family and friends.
THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!


Scroll down
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Old Nov 26, 2012, 11:47 PM
no no no, a music gig
Chophop's Avatar
Pleasant Valley Modelport
Joined Sep 2006
8,605 Posts
A guy notices his wife is just not so happy with his performance. So he asks a friend, how can I spice up my love life ? The friend says YOU ? Probably nothing, strap a flashlight to your butt and give her something to watch till it's over with.
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Old Dec 03, 2012, 08:38 AM
The original Flying Pigs Sqd.
Up&Away's Avatar
Netanya, Israel
Joined Aug 2002
10,002 Posts
Slightly risque, but a good one:

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book..
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book..
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted,
"Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
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Old Dec 03, 2012, 09:41 AM
Not THAT Ira
Real Ira's Avatar
Coupeville, Wa
Joined Jan 2006
4,722 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by Up&Away View Post
Slightly risque, but a good one:

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book..
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book..
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted,
"Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Bwahahah! Now that thar is funny.
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Old Dec 03, 2012, 05:31 PM
Don't look at me like that....
62pilot's Avatar
United States, AR, McDougal
Joined Aug 2005
2,798 Posts
Deffinately going into my routine.
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Old Dec 04, 2012, 06:16 PM
Registered User
Joined Jul 2008
1,817 Posts
How come Santa is always so jolly?




Because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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Old Dec 05, 2012, 04:10 AM
Registered User
Pudknocker71's Avatar
Debary, Fl.
Joined Oct 2007
2,314 Posts
Big Busted Organist in a Small Church - Joke There was a small church in Montana that had A very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so

Huge that they inadvertently bounced and

Jiggled the entire time she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation

Considerably, both male and female.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said Something had to be done about this or they would have To get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, And told her to mash up some green persimmons and Rub them on the nipples of her busts and maybe they Would shrink in size. She warned her to not eat any of The green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they Will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able To talk properly for a week!'.

The perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons On her bust.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said.... "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday."
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Old Dec 05, 2012, 06:06 AM
free bird
Mickey D's Avatar
South Africa, GP, Johannesburg
Joined Aug 2011
169 Posts
Haha here's another one.

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
'Mind if I have a few?' he asks.
'No, not at all,' the woman replies.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of having eaten just a few peanuts, he has nearly emptied the bowl.
'I'm very sorry for having eaten all of your peanuts, I really meant to eat just a few.'
'Oh, that's all right,' the woman says. 'Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.'
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Old Dec 06, 2012, 04:54 AM
Vertical Arrival Specialist
clinth01's Avatar
Townsville, Australia
Joined Sep 2009
319 Posts
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"

......and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel for as long as I lived !!!

-------------------------

2 indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine .
Both are now in hospital...one's in a korma.. the other's got a dodgy tikka!

---------------------

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in last years' riots....Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon.:
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Old Dec 06, 2012, 06:38 AM
ein flugel schplinterizer
seanpcola's Avatar
USA, FL, Pensacola
Joined Sep 2004
5,075 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by clinth01 View Post
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"

......and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel for as long as I lived !!!
Coffee shot out my nose and all over the keyboard on this one.
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Old Dec 06, 2012, 06:04 PM
I am 5' 8" the Taube is 7' 4"
Clancy Arnold's Avatar
USA, IN, Indianapolis
Joined Jan 2008
617 Posts
Blonde's Year in Review

Blonde's Year in Review

What a year!!

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.
Helllloooo!!! . . . bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got really excited! Finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months ... box said
"2-4 years"!!

April - Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid ... wrong instructions on packet ... 8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!

June - Tried to go water skiing ... Bummer ... couldn't find a lake with a
slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition ... learned later, the other
swimmers cheated . . . they used their arms!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm ... car swamped because
soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??

October - Hate M&M's!! .... they're so hard to peel!!

November - Burned turkey. Baked it for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1
hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December - Couldn't call 911. Well, DUH!! ... like, there's no "eleven"
button on the stupid phone!!!
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Old Dec 08, 2012, 05:18 AM
Vertical Arrival Specialist
clinth01's Avatar
Townsville, Australia
Joined Sep 2009
319 Posts
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
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Old Dec 08, 2012, 11:02 AM
Registered User
Joined Jul 2008
1,817 Posts
Ahhh haaa, well played sir! I can see me trying that tactic at some point.
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