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Old Oct 10, 2012, 06:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DKChris View Post
An extreme sports jock is racing across the arctic ice on a snowmobile. Suddenly it starts spilling all the engine oil out onto the ice, and he stops and gets off to assess the damage. Soon it is clear to him that he'll get no further without repairs that he has no parts for. He looks around and to his luck he sees an igloo not to far away. He walks to it and crawls inside to find two hardened eskimo hunters sitting aside the petroleum burner cooking dinner. He looks at them and then asks "I've just blown a seal - can you help me?"..........the eskimos nearly died laughing.......
Thank you that was awesome, the sicker the joke the better.
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Old Oct 10, 2012, 07:55 PM
I think I'm inverted. Maybe.
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United States, CA, Pacifica
Joined Apr 2012
1,505 Posts
I just came up with an original one in the car on the way home. It isn't great, but made me chuckle at it's terribility.


The daughter of a dedicated Nun was hosting a church memorial for her mother, who recently passed away during a freak gardening accident. One of her mother's wishes was to donate her formal religious garb back to the church. Most of the pieces, though, had faded into an unsightly gray. She, being a stay-at-home wife, knew how to dye clothing, and decided that a dip in black dye would be a good gift to the church. She warmed up a pot of water, added the dye, and carefully dyed all the clothing just like she had done many times before. She let them dry overnight.

In the morning, she saw that the clothing did look greatly restored, but was terrified, as upon picking up the headpiece, discovered that the clothing had become almost rock-solid and itchy, as the old fabric didn't take the hot water bath very well at all. She was devastated, but the old saying proved true... Old habits dye hard.
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Old Oct 10, 2012, 08:40 PM
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Thunder Bay Ontario Canada
Joined Jul 2007
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Quote:
Originally Posted by acetech09 View Post
I just came up with an original one in the car on the way home. It isn't great, but made me chuckle at it's terribility.


The daughter of a dedicated Nun was hosting a church memorial for her mother, who recently passed away during a freak gardening accident. One of her mother's wishes was to donate her formal religious garb back to the church. Most of the pieces, though, had faded into an unsightly gray. She, being a stay-at-home wife, knew how to dye clothing, and decided that a dip in black dye would be a good gift to the church. She warmed up a pot of water, added the dye, and carefully dyed all the clothing just like she had done many times before. She let them dry overnight.

In the morning, she saw that the clothing did look greatly restored, but was terrified, as upon picking up the headpiece, discovered that the clothing had become almost rock-solid and itchy, as the old fabric didn't take the hot water bath very well at all. She was devastated, but the old saying proved true... Old habits dye hard.

That is pretty good actually. However it should be the Nun's Niece as nuns are supposedly celibate.
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Old Oct 10, 2012, 09:32 PM
I think I'm inverted. Maybe.
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Joined Apr 2012
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Key word there... supposedly. :P
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Old Oct 10, 2012, 10:56 PM
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Australia, QLD, Numinbah Valley
Joined May 2011
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To that end did you hear about the two fisherman who went out lake fishing in a Kayak late one cold freezing night tring to catch some bass. At the time it seemed a good iad to light a small fire on the floor of the Kayak just to try and help them keep warm. Unfortunately the fire burned through the floor and sent both men into the water as the craft sank.....

This therefore goes to prove the old adege "You cant have your Kayak and heat it to"
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Old Oct 10, 2012, 11:03 PM
I think I'm inverted. Maybe.
acetech09's Avatar
United States, CA, Pacifica
Joined Apr 2012
1,505 Posts
Whose line is it anyway - Meow Episode part 1 (10 min 19 sec)


Skip to 2 minutes.
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Old Oct 11, 2012, 10:49 PM
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Townsville, Australia
Joined Sep 2009
319 Posts
A guy sees his best friend on the street. The friend is wearing a flamboyant outfit. Lime colored trousers, a puff sleeved, lavender shirt, a puce ascot, etc. So he asks his friend, "what in the world is wrong with you?"

"Oh, my wife," the friend replies.

"Your wife?" queries the first guy.

"Yea. I saw an ad in the paper for Cox's Men's Store. They were having a great sale on seersucker suits. So I told her, go to Cox's and buy me one of those seersucker suits. So what does she do?

She goes to Sears.
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Old Oct 12, 2012, 04:15 PM
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Pleasant Valley Modelport
Joined Sep 2006
8,411 Posts
A guy walks in the store and asks, Where's the Nacho cheese ?
The clerk says, All de cheese in de sto nacho cheese til you pay for it.
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Old Oct 12, 2012, 08:45 PM
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eastern pa
Joined Feb 2007
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From late night Conan......
The good news is the Space Shuttle Endeavor is being driven through LA to the California Science Center.

The bad news is Lindsay Lohan is driving it.
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Old Oct 13, 2012, 10:47 AM
Not THAT Ira
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Coupeville, Wa
Joined Jan 2006
4,722 Posts
An older couple, Fred and Mildred are on vacation.
While crossing the Pacific Ocean, the jet they are on crashes on an uncharted, deserted island killing everyone else on board. With horror the realize they may spend their remaining days marooned.
Suddenly Fred asks Mildred, "did you send the Master Card payment before we left?"
"No" , she replies.
Did you send the Visa Card payment?
No.
How about the tax payment to the IRS?
"No, I forgot to put the checkes in the mail before we left. "

"Thank God!" Exclaims Fred. He then gives his wife a passionate embrace.
" Why so excited?", Mildred asked with anticipation.

"Because now I know they will find us."
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Old Oct 13, 2012, 07:12 PM
David Drowns
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Southern California
Joined Nov 2010
137 Posts
Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a blonde New Yorker),
Confided to her co-workers she had three goals
for her trip to the Lone Star State;

1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo... And...

3. She wanted to do it with a real cowboy.

Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

'Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite , it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!'

'And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes... Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!'

They then asked,
'Well tell us, did you do it with a real cowboy?'


'Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!'
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Old Oct 14, 2012, 03:59 AM
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Australia, QLD, Numinbah Valley
Joined May 2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Real Ira View Post
An older couple, Fred and Mildred are on vacation.
While crossing the Pacific Ocean, the jet they are on crashes on an uncharted, deserted island killing everyone else on board. With horror the realize they may spend their remaining days marooned.
Suddenly Fred asks Mildred, "did you send the Master Card payment before we left?"
"No" , she replies.
Did you send the Visa Card payment?
No.
How about the tax payment to the IRS?
"No, I forgot to put the checkes in the mail before we left. "

"Thank God!" Exclaims Fred. He then gives his wife a passionate embrace.
" Why so excited?", Mildred asked with anticipation.

"Because now I know they will find us."
I know at least one aircrew member who always carried a pack of card in his survival kit. His theory was simple. If ever he was stranded somewhere and no one knew where he was (like on the above island) he figured he would pull out the cards and start a game of solitaire. There is no doubt in my mind if he did so someone would come out of no where and say 'Mate put the red queen on the black king' or something similar!!! Seems to happen every time you play solitaire doesn't it?
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Old Oct 14, 2012, 09:39 AM
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Pleasant Valley Modelport
Joined Sep 2006
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I have often wondered how those cowgirls can stand to kiss a cowboy wth a mouth of tobacco and hours or even days later. Makes me wanna throw up to just look at it. Maybe she wears a sheet of Saran wrap on her face.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mig Man View Post
Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a blonde New Yorker),
Confided to her co-workers she had three goals
for her trip to the Lone Star State;

1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo... And...

3. She wanted to do it with a real cowboy.

Upon returning, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

'Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite , it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!'

'And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes... Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!'

They then asked,
'Well tell us, did you do it with a real cowboy?'


'Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!'
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Old Oct 14, 2012, 10:26 AM
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United States, GA, Tucker
Joined Apr 2000
353 Posts
The Gruesome joke.

Strange things happen on the Scottish Moors. Especially under the light of a full Moon. Remember "American Werewolf in London"?

So one Saturday night old Ian heads for the pub just as the Moon is rising. Beautiful night. Just a hint of mist in the air.

So Ian goes in and has a dram or two. Maybe more. Comes out at closing time and staggers back home. Might have been a wee dram too much because Ian falls over in the ditch beside the road and passes out.

Next morn two schoolgirls (Mary and Catherine) are heading in to church and see him laying there.

Mary says:"Cat. You ever wonder what's under a Scotsman's Kilt?"

Catherine says:"Yes, I have. I believe I'll have a look."

So she creeps over to Ian and lifts his kilt. In shock she says:"Oh Mary! Tis Gruesome!"

Then Ian wakes up and props himself up on his elbow and says:"Aye lass. And if ya rrub it it'll GRUE some more!"

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Old Oct 14, 2012, 05:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chophop View Post
I have often wondered how those cowgirls can stand to kiss a cowboy wth a mouth of tobacco and hours or even days later. Makes me wanna throw up to just look at it. Maybe she wears a sheet of Saran wrap on her face.
Maybe they swap the “little fatty” back and forth, you know like ABC gum?
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