Usta's ficticious recap of the interview:
Oprah: So Lance, when exactly when were you doping during your career ?.
Lance: From the mid 90's to 2005.
Oprah: What about during your 2009-2010 comeback ?.
Lance: Absolutely not.
Oprah: So you're saying you didn't dope at all during your comeback ?.
Lance: Absolutely not.
Oprah: How do we believe you, seeing as you lied and lied for years about your cheating ?.
Lance: THIS time I'm telling the truth !.
Oprah: But how do we know ?.
Lance: Because I just told you I was telling the truth.
Oprah: So because you SAY you're telling the truth NOW we're supposed to believe you ?.
Oprah: Let me ask you one more time, and this time I want the REAL truth. Did you dope during your 2009-2010 comeback ?!.
Oprah: Lance, that didn't sound sincere at all !. I'm going to ask you one last time to tell the REAL truth. Did you dope during your comeback ?!!!.
Lance: mmmmmmmmmmm....................................... ...........yeah, I guess I did.
Oprah: OMG Lance, you just flat out LIED to me two times in a row before you finally told the real truth !!!!.
Lance: Yeah, I guess I did. Isn't it scary ?. I mean I'm sitting here looking you straight in the eye, and I'm flat out lying the whole time, and yet I feel no remorse whatsoever !. I've gotten so good at lying to EVERYONE over the years that it just comes naturally now. I don't even have to think twice about it.
Oprah: You're like a total pathalogical liar now !.
Lance: Yeah, I guess I am.
Oprah: How did you become so good at lying ?. I mean, you're sitting here right in front of me looking me in the eye and bald-faced flat out LYING to me and I can't even tell. You're such a convincing liar !.
Lance: Well, I found the hardest part was convincing all those cancer patients and the people that donated money to Livestrong. I mean, you go meet some sick person that's dying from cancer, and they ask you if you ever cheated during your career, what are you going to do, tell the TRUTH ?. THAT was the hard part there, convincing somebody with a terminal illness that I hadn't really doped at all, and trying to keep a straight face the whole time.
Oprah: How could you do that ?!.
Lance: Well, the first few times you have to lie to a cancer patient it's really hard. Then after the first few dozen it becomes progressively easier. God, I must have met HUNDREDS of those people during the first year of Livestrong. After lying to all those many terminally ill people for such a long time you just develop a knack for lying, and after awhile you you just get really really used to doing it. It's like putting on your socks in the morning, it's just a matter of habit, you don't really have to think about doing it.
Oprah: How on earth could you have the ball
to lie to terminally ill people ?!.
Lance: I see what you did there, but I won't comment on it, I'm used to the nut jokes by now. Anyways, to answer your question, I lied to them so I could continue to get donations through Livestrong.
Oprah: You lied about doping so people would continue to fund Livestrong ?. What was your motivation there ?.
Lance: You see with the whole Livestrong deal I could hide behind the cancer patients and use them to ward off any attacks from the media trying to say that I was doping.
Oprah: But you just admitted you WERE doping during that period, so what the press was really saying about you was actually true !.
Lance: Well, yeah, but I could use the cancer patients as a shield to deflect their attacks against me. Anytime the media said I was doping all I had to do was bring up my Livestrong foundation, and my work with cancer patients, and public opinion would make it look like by attacking me the media were attacking cancer patients too. We had it all down pat too, there was either two things you could be, either pro-Lance, or pro-cancer. If you attack me, then that automatically makes you pro-cancer in the public's eye, and what journalist wants to be labeled pro-cancer ?. That was the key there, for keeping the media at bay all those years. Plus the lawsuits helped alot too. I mean those media guys might only be making $30-$40,000 a year, and I've got $100 million in the bank, nobody messed with me because I could bankrupt them through lawsuits.
Oprah: That has got to be the most astonishing public admission I've ever heard, that you actually used Livestrong to help cover up the truth about the doping charges !.
Lance: Hey now, the whole purpose of Livestrong wasn't ALL about covering up the doping charges, I had other reasons for creating Livestrong too.
Oprah: Like what ?.
Lance: I had use of the Livestrong corporate jet to fly around in for free. It came in pretty handy when you needed to get from place to place quickly, like when trying to avoid doping testers. Also it impressed the heck out of my friends to fly them around with me all over the place, and it helped me pick up chicks too. Do you seriously think Sheryl Crow would've dated a bike racer that DIDN'T own a corporate jet ?. I mean, she used to date Clapton for awhile, and that guy's got some serious cash. Ain't no way I'm getting a piece of tail like that driving around in the minivan I use when I'm with the kids and the ex-wife !. Plus I had this sweet deal all worked out where I used my personal credit card to pay for gas for the jet, and Livestrong reimbursed me for it, then I collected bonus awards on my credit card for all the gas I charged on it. I got all KINDS of free stuff for that. Heck, I'm even paying for my extended recent stay in Hawaii avoiding the media with all the bonus awards I got on my credit card !.
Oprah: Lance, you're
UNREAL !. I can't believe you've done all this stuff, and lied about it the whole time, and have absolutely no regrets about ANY of it. Not only that, but you lied to ME several times just here tonight !!!.
Lance: Yes, but I never called you fat.
Oprah: That's IT, STOP THE TAPES, WE'RE DONE FOR THE NIGHT !!!.
Tune in Friday at 9PM to see part 2 of my interview with Lance Armstrong.