Rules of Air Force Pilots

[Dorsal]

(Some old, some new, all funny!) :p

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the
stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick
all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than
being up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6.The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the
pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start
sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with
the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'
landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make
all of them yourself.

10. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about
might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable
sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

11. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the
number of take-offs you've made.

12. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

13. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.
The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of
luck.

14. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

15. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and
round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger
compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

16. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds
of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground
has yet to lose.

17. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience
usually comes from bad judgment.

18. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much
as possible.

19. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

20. Remember: gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's a
law that is not likely to be repealed anytime soon.

21. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you,
a runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

[Zipman]

Dorsal,

Great list Thanks. I have another one to add.

"There are Old pilots and there are Bold pilots but , there are not many Old Bold pilots"

Keep em comin.

Stan

[MikeBiv]

>>A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'
>>landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

I'm finally good at something!

[trident58]

For pilots versed in old english:
"Maintain thy airspeed, or the ground shall rise up and smite thee"

[challenger_i]

An old RFC addage: "Altitude never killed any one."

[appleflyer]

haha, here is some funny stuff:

Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

[lmopar69]

"Helicopters dont fly, they beat the air into submission"

"Son, one day you will meet a woman. You will make her very happy for a short period of time. Then, she will leave you for some other man who is way better than you could ever hope to be. That man is called a helicopter pilot."

[R/C_Addict]

An F-15 pilot came upon a B-52. The F-15 pilot, being young as he is and in the mind set that he's the best pilot, said to the crew of the B-52, "Any thing you can do, I can do better." To that the B-52 pilot replied,

"Ok, watch this."

A couple of minutes passed by and the F-15 pilot, chuckling to himself, said over the radio:

"What did you do?" The voice of the B-52 pilot came over the radio,

"I shut down two engines....."

[TRWXXA]

"A helicopter is nothing but a bunch of spare parts, huddled around an oil leak, discussing metal fatigue."

---

F-16: "Tower, Hunk Four-One. I've had an electrical failure, and am declaring an emergency."

Tower: "Roger, Hunk Four-One, you are number two for the field, behind a B-52 on a 10-mile final to Runway 33."

F-16: "Uhhh... You do understand I am declaring an emergency?"

Tower: "Roger, Hunk Four-One. The B-52 is also an emergency aircraft, with an engine failure."

F-16: "Ahhhh, yes... The dreaded, "seven engine approach".

---

Center: "United Five-Sixty-Three, turn left, heading zero-four-zero."

UA563: "Uhhh, center... Why the turn off-course for United Five-Sixty-Three?"

Center: "It's for noise abatement, sir."

UA563: "Noise abatement?! We're at flight level three-five-zero."

Center: "Did you ever hear how loud a 737 is when it collides with a Lear Jet?"

UA563: "United Five-Sixty-Three is in the turn to zero-four-zero!"

---

Lineman (to pilot): "Do you require any services today?"

Pilot: "Yes. Please remove all the air from my fuel tanks."

Lineman: "How do I do that?"

Pilot: "With fuel."

---

Q: What's the difference between God and a fighter pilot?

A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

[Conehead]

Thanks so much for reminding me of the "facts of life"!

I got lots of laughs out of this list. All of you are so funny. I now can change some of my sig files.

Made my day.
Conehead
Orrin Eldred
Honor, MI.

[methuso]

Reading this while haveing a bad stommack was not such a good idea... uh..

thanks guys :)
/Ulf

[Benz190]

Here are some maintenance reports....
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."

Reply: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough."

Reply: "Auto-land not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."

Reply: "IT DOES NOW!"

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."

Reply: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."

Reply: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."

Reply: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."

Reply: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 foot per minute descent."

Reply: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."

Reply: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."

Reply: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."

Reply: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

[ChuckA]

I actually saw this Writeup in a Form 1 about 50 years ago.

Pilot writeup. " Radio inop in the air."

Crew chief corrective action "Ground check OK."

[irish_lord99]

An F-15 pilot came upon a B-52. The F-15 pilot, being young as he is and in the mind set that he's the best pilot, said to the crew of the B-52, "Any thing you can do, I can do better." To that the B-52 pilot replied,

"Ok, watch this."

A couple of minutes passed by and the F-15 pilot, chuckling to himself, said over the radio:

"What did you do?" The voice of the B-52 pilot came over the radio,

"I shut down two engines....."

I heard that same one, but the punchline went: "I just got up and used the bathroom!" :p

Well, here's my rather long contribution to the thread, the punchline's at the end:

Why airplanes are better than women:

---- Author Unknown

# You can predict an airplane.
# If you respect an airplane it will be good to you.
# Airplanes don't have PMS to battle.
# Airplane skin doesn't wrinkle as badly.
# An airplane won't criticize your performance.
# Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
# An airplane doesn't care where you were last night.
# Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown before.
# Airplanes don't cost as much money.
# Airplanes don't get pregnant.
# Airplanes are faster than most women.
# Airplanes don't take forever to warm up.
# Airplanes don't spend hours in front of a mirror.
# Airplanes like to do it inverted.
# Airplanes won't keep you waiting.
# Airplanes won't insist you shower before entering it.
# Airplanes don't cry when you break up with them.
# Airplanes don't talk back.
# Airplanes don't get headaches.
# Airplanes don't take half of everything.
# Airplanes never stand you up.
# It's easier to get "trim" in an airplane.
# Airplanes go down ... women just bring you down.
# An airplane is cheaper to maintain.
# You can't get diseases from an airplane.
# Airplanes don't care if you fart.
# Airplanes have better struts.
# An airplane doesn't care who yanks it's stick.
# You can keep an airplane from stalling.
# Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
# You can approach an airplane from the REAR.
# You can proudly show your airplane inside and out.
# An airplane won't slap you for being a "bush pilot".
# An airplane doesn't ask you to put on a raincoat before entry.
# You can easily leave an airplane before sunrise.
# Airplane exhaust fumes smell better.
# Airplanes lose weight faster.
# You don't always have to "hand prop" an airplane.
# Airplanes don't care if you fall asleep while in them.
# Airplanes don't care if you enter thru the back door.
# An airplane does not get mad if you "touch and go".
# An airplane will not get mad if you ride someone else's airplane.
# An airplane's cockpit is cleaner.
# At least a DC-10 sucks!
# You can calculate the peak performance of an airplane.
# An airplane is easy to roll over.
# You can still ride a fifty year old airplane.
# Up to five people can ride in an airplane.
# Airplanes expect to be tied down.
# Airplanes can get high without throwing up.
# Airplanes last longer.
# Airplane's don't need as much lubrication.
# Airplane's don't droop after ten years.
# Airplanes are easy to love.
# You don't have to sweet-talk an airplane.
# You can always tell when an airplane is going to give out.
# An airplane moves when you tell it to.
# Airplanes give a better ride for the money.
# An airplane goes anywhere you direct it to.
# Wide body airplanes are more attractive.
# An airplane will kill you quick...a woman takes her time.
# An airplane takes less time to turn around.
# An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.
# Airplanes don't make you "pull-out" to eject.
# You can change the looks of an airplane.
# Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
# Airplanes can handle thrust better.
# Airplanes don't scream.
# A 747 can keep you up for 14 hours.
# You can adjust an airplane's attitude easily.
# Women have more drag than lift.
# An airplane's payload can be calculated.
# Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
# Airplanes have ash trays and tray tables.
# When you put fuel into an airplane, it does not spit it out.
# Sometimes you can ride airplanes for free
# It's easier to understand what an airplane needs.
# You can fly an airplane any time of the month
# Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
# Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong
# Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown
# Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
# Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines
# If your airplane is too loose, you can tighten it
# It's always OK to use tie downs on your airplane
#
# However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's a bad thing.

[leccyflyer]

An old RFC addage: "Altitude never killed any one."

Try telling that to Payne Stewart.

[TRWXXA]

Try telling that to Payne Stewart.
:eek:

Still too soon.

[FlyingLakland]

omg this is soo funny more people should see this!

[billrcpilot]

There are two type of aircraft in the USAF. FIGHTER'S and targets (transports and tankers).

Bill
Ex-Thud driver

[S3NFO]

From personal experience:

Never, ever lock the parking brake when your sitting on the catapult.

[irish_lord99]

From personal experience:

Never, ever lock the parking brake when your sitting on the catapult.


Jeez... how'd that end up? Tell, tell..! :D

[CV440pilot]

The guy who checked me out in tailwheel airplanes and was a member of the OX-5 club said to all his students, "Never stall between 10 and 1000 feet."

[S3NFO]

Jeez... how'd that end up? Tell, tell..! :D
Two blown main tires and a free trip to the beach (bingo)..........

[Trbdsl96]

Good Thread.

"Without maintainers pilots are just pedestrians with cool jackets."

"Never, ever call a crew chief to the jet for a problem without double or even triple checking the checklist. Lest he use his humble high school diploma to make you look like a college educated idiot."

"The perfect aircrew is one pilot and a dog. The pilot is to watch the autopilot and make sure it doesn't kill him. The dog is to bite the pilot if he tries to touch anything."

"Even when you're crashing, keep flying that bird til the last piece of wreckage quits moving."



Jason -The humble maintainer

[Sabrejock]

The three most useless things to a pilot:

Runway behind you,

Altitude above you, and

Fuel in the tanker

Tex.